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Nine

We pull over at the first gas station. Neither of us has said anything since we left the cabin.

We both look at each other helplessly, as if deciding where we should go from here. My mind is consumed with doubt. Doubt that we shouldn't have done this. Doubt that it's never going to work. Doubt that I was a fool to believe that it could.

Lucas turns his head away from me and looks out the window. "Do you want anything from the store?" he asks hoarsely.

"No, thank you," I whisper.

"Give me a minute," he says, getting out of the car.

I watch him head towards the bathrooms through the rearview mirror, but instead of going inside, he begins pacing. He's upset, trying to calm down. I think he's unaware that I can see him. This becomes more evident when he picks up a stone off the ground and throws it towards an empty lot. He picks up a few others and throws those too. I start worrying he might do something more drastic after the fifth stone, but he gives up and walks towards a bench. He sits down and drops his head in his hands.

I get out of the car and go to him. I have no idea what to do or what to say to make this situation better. I just know that he shouldn't be facing this alone.

My hand on his shoulder startles him, but when he realizes it's me, he grabs onto it tightly. "I'm so sorry, Audi."

I take a seat next to him, trying to ignore how cold it is out here. "It's not your fault, Lucas. It's theirs. It's always been theirs."

He sighs. "I just never imagined this happening. I hate that I put you through that again."

"There was no way we could have known."

He shakes his head and looks up at me. His eyes look resigned, the way they appeared in high school whenever we crossed paths in the hallway before he would look away from me. "What do you want to do, Claudia?"

I look away from him and don't answer right away, even though I already know what I should do. It's the only thing left to do.

"I think I should go back to New York," I say quietly.

"I think so too," Lucas agrees.

I try to hide the sadness taking over me. "You can drop me off at the bus station. There's a bus that leaves at eleven."

"What? Audi, no. I'll take you."

My head whips back to look at Lucas. I want to tell him that it's fine, that it's inconvenient for him, but the words don't come out.

"You're crazy if you think I'm leaving you after that, Claudia. I'm not putting you on a freaking bus. We can drive to New York and talk about it once we get there."

I'm afraid to talk in case my voice breaks.

"C'mon," he says, grabbing my hand. "It's freezing. You shouldn't be out here."

I walk back in a daze to the car, still not believing he's willing to drive me back after what just happened.

"Okay then. NYC it is," he says. He sets up the directions on his phone once we're inside. His mood seems to have changed drastically since he first left the car. It makes me more hopeful. When he's done, he looks up and grins. "Have I told you how much I love seeing you in my cap?"

I laugh, but it sounds more like a sob since I've been trying to contain an array of emotions within the last fifteen minutes.

Lucas reaches over and consoles me with his kisses. "Shh, Audi. We've got this. I swear, I'm not losing you again. I won't allow it."