Late night thoughts

4 am thoughts

A quick glance at my phone tells me it's 4:13 am when I slowly go up the last few stairs and head towards the door that has been waiting for me for the last few hours. I'm drunk. Not wasted, but still drunk enough to miss the keyhole the first time I try to hit it. Cautiously I'm opening the door trying not to wake up my roommates who are sleeping in the next room. I step out of my shoes and first off enter the bathroom. Resembling a machine I check off the points of my short drunken night routine by peeing and then sluggishly starting to brush my teeth. I can almost hear my future self praise me for not being the lazy ass I can be sometimes when I wake up with a disgusting taste in my mouth having to go to the toilet so urgently I slept for merely 5 hours. The seconds rush by me as if the alcohol I drank had sped up the time somehow. I put the toothbrush back where it belongs and finally make my way to my room.

The door closes behind me and I feel my body relaxing a little bit more. I look into the big mirror that makes up one door of my closet. You can clearly see the traces the past night has had on me. My hastily styled hair looks even more wild than before and I must've opened another button of my shirt as you can see a little bit more of my chest than when I left my apartment earlier this night. I look a little bit messy but still pretty good. I instantly feel guilty for that thought. Is it okay to find yourself attractive? I always mix up loving yourself and being humble and not full of yourself. I decide to leave my reflection in peace. At least for now. Piece for piece I lose my clothes and throw them on a pile on the floor. I will take care of the mess in the morning. I brushed my teeth after all I tell my future self protesting. Finally I put on a more comfortable t-shirt and crawl into my bed.

The sheets feel cold when I lay down. Slowly but surely I can feel my heartrate sinking. The bed surrounds me with emptiness. Now the seconds lazily pass me like thick honey. I feel alone. Unfortunately today is not one of those nights when all of the drinks you had lead to you barely remembering how you even made it home without falling asleep. It's rather one of those nights when you stay awake for a couple more minutes and try to untangle the thoughts that creeped into your intoxicated mind. And today they are about my favorite topic. Why I'm still the only in this bed right now. Why I'm not even trying to find a partner. Why I don't even bother to have an One Night Stand. Why my fear of rejection tops my desire for affection and more simple my sexual desires. I hate myself for being the emotional drunk I never used to be. The one who cries when no one looks and leaves without saying goodbye because he cannot stand the night anymore. Face after face people pop into my head who at one point I had hoped would fill up my bed and warm the sheets before I joined them. I'm mostly over them (if there's even a way to really get over someone you once craved) but they slip back into my mind when I'm alone again. I pull my blanket above my head and try to let darkness take over my thoughts. I let one single tear roll down my face and it feels like a relieve. Like I can finally sleep now. One tear isn't too bad, is it? Lastly the dark warm curtain of sleep lays over me and pushes the 4 am thoughts far back into regions of my brain where my sober self won't find them.