Unnoticed.

six

Since I didn't know what to do anymore I started to lock myself in my room, only getting out of it if I had to. Every once in a while to 'eat ' and when I couldn't stand the shouting of Tom anymore, or whenever I had to babysit my little brothers.. I didn't want to babysit them, but I had to every now and then.. Every time I did, it reminded me of the first time I had cut myself, which was when my mom told me to babysit my youngest brother.. I told him I would go upstairs and that I'd be back in a while. " just watch some tv, I'll be back, stay here.. " I didn't want him to see me crying, I wanted to be the strong sister.. one of those older siblings you look up too, you know? No, it wasn't because I was planning on cutting, it was just simply because I didn't want him to see me break down, and cry like a little girl.. no, in their eyes.. I was strong, and I wanted to keep it that way..
           Once I was in my room, it just happened.. I started to cry.. not just cry, I poured my heart out. It felt like I was letting every single emotion out ,  tears falling down my face more and more, I couldn't stop. I saw a needle, it was one of  Toms' new needles.. he had so many in his room because he has diabetes. I always took them so I could use them for the 'perfect skin' and such, if you're a girl you probably know what I mean.. well, I saw it laying there on my desk and I took it.. I just did.. 'it'll help, Davey does it when he doesn't know what to do anymore... so why shouldn't i try..? it doesn't matter anyway, I won't lose anything, like, what even do I have that I can lose? Exactly.. nothing.." 

>  Well, now you probably want to know who Davey is? Well, at that time I was so lonely I started to play an online Role Play Game < in case you didn't know, I'll use a abbreviation; RPG> . You basically made a fake account and you uploaded pictures of somebody you wanted to be, like.. maybe you wanted to look like Demi Lovato, for example.. then you made an account with a name you liked, Like.. I made one with the name Katie.. You thought of a background story for your person and used a picture of Demi Lovato.. and once you logged in on that account, you could simply leave all the bullshit in life behind and start living your life the way you would have wanted it to be.. well at first it was just a release for me to be Katie, and not the boring Taylor I was in real life.. like.. you know.. I  saw myself  as a terrible person, but Katie.. Katie was the girl I wanted to be.. pretty, sweet... caring.. funny..  I could just simply forget everything once I was her and feel loved.. because Katie? Katie was sooo loved.. While I, myself, wasn't at all.
So well, Davey was the first boy I became so close with online, that I told him everything.. There was this girl too, Skyler, I became friends with her immediately. She was the sweetest girl I had ever met and we became really close friends, basically because of Davey, who was her best friend as well.. But the difference between her and me, was that I fell in love with Davey, he was my best friend, and my very first online 'boyfriend'.. I really loved him, he made me feel so special and worth it. I felt pretty because of him, even though now I think of it that's bullshit.. like.. he had never even seen me.. it's good he didn't , I guess that If he had he would've left me right away..
     But, back to the point.. My first cut.. I remember that  I just put that needle on my arm, put a little pressure on it and drew it towards me. Now that I think of it, I could have died.. a few seconds after I felt the blood drip down my arm, which actually felt pretty good,  I heard my brother coming upstairs because he heard me crying, he was completely shocked because he didn't see me cry often and he was really worried. I know he slammed the door open. " What's wrong Taylor?" I can still hear his sweet, young and cute voice say it.. I could hear in his voice how scared he was. I know that I hid my arm.. But what happened the next few minutes? I honestly don't know.. I do still know how I told him to leave.. that I was okay. but further more? Nope.  But, since then I started to feel less and less emotions..

And lately? I just felt numb most of the time and the hardest thing was to cover up the scars and cuts,  and act like I was all okay, just to make my mother happy. I knew she didn't feel good as well, which honestly isn't even that strange.. how would you feel when your 'boyfriend'  treated you like shit and used you? Exactly. That was just another reason for me not to tell anybody how I really felt.. Tom and I fought everyday. Every meal, every time he was doing the dishes with my mom.. every time I tried to do my homework.. I couldn't even walk without hearing I didn't do it how I should. I tried to ignore him, but it seems to be impossible for me to shut up. I could tell myself it's better if I don't say anything.. and then seconds later completely let every single thing out, swear, call him names.. almost even use violence.. but no.. I wouldn't do that.. I wouldn't do that because I didn't want to be like him..