Letters to You

Letters to You: Ed

Dear Ed,

Thank you for being the father I never had. We all know the story, but you've never heard it my way.

Yes, my mother and "father" are divorced. Have been since I was about 7. Why do I hate my father, you ask? Well how could I not? It's not like he was ever there for me, not like he ever cared. Mom left him because he was never home to take care of us because of his job. To me, if he really loved us, he would've quit. Told mom that we were more important than anything else and that he'd find a job locally. But did he? No. He chose the money over our family. Not to mention, every time we see him (which isn't often), he buys us stuff. A way to say sorry? A way to apologize? I don't want him or his money. It's not going to buy my forgiveness. Even better? He always forgets my birthday and makes promises he can't keep. Wonderful father, isn't he?

He was never there and he never will be. How can I consider that man my father when he isn't one? If my mother saw this, she would probably tell me to forget about him, that he deserves forgiveness. Screw that. Why should I forgive him anyway? It's not like he deserves it. He doesn't deserve anything.

To me, you're my dad. You're there for me more than he ever was in my lifetime. If someone asks me how many siblings I have, I say 3. Why? Because that's how many I have. You guys will always be family to me, despite what anyone says.

Do you remember that day? The day we moved out? Do you remember how much I cried, how much pain I was going through? I was being separated by my family after you and mother's break-up, and I thought I would never see you guys again. That was honestly the worst day of my life. You even cried, and you never cry, at least in front of me. But that day, you didn't care who was around, you let the tears come.

I remember the day before that, I got into a huge fight with Aubree. And the next day, all I said was "bye". I didn't give her a hug or anything. Just a simple "bye" with tears pouring out of my eyes. I regret what I did that day. I wish I would've hugged her and never let go. That I'd cry my heart out into her chest, and after she's joke about her boobs being wet from my tears. I wish I would've told her that I loved her, and that she was an amazing big sister. But I didn't.

I cried with Anthony too, hugged him so tight and cried, right there on his shoulder. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want my brother to leave me. But I had no choice, we're moving out. So I squeezed him hard, one last time, and then we were off.

I remember me being in the car, ready to drive away and you coming up to my window, hugging and kissing me like it was the last time you'd ever see me. Tears trickled down your cheeks, as did mine, and I wish I was strong enough to stop your tears. I wish I was strong enough to go through what was happen. But since that day, I never forgot.

Even since than, it's never been the same. Sure, we see each other still, but not nearly as much as we used to. And I never see Aubree and Anthony. I do sometimes, but it has to be like three times a year or less. I miss you guys. You're my family. And sometimes i feel like I'm going through the same thing over again: loss.

I'm sick of everyone leaving me. Is it because they don't care? Or maybe because I'm not good enough? Whatever the reason, I'm sick of it. I want our life back, our family back. I don't want all this drama and fights. I don't want to worry about the next time I'm going to see you. I want things to be the way they used to be. But no matter how many times I say that, it'll never get through. No one gets it. They keep saying the same excuses. "Ed and I aren't dating anymore," my mother says. I wish she would stop saying that for Crist sake. It hurts me. Don't you understand? When you guys fight and she does stupid things like that, it hurts. It's not like anyone cares though. Not like you guys actually try to stop it. So there I sit, stuck listening to all the bickering and cursing and drama.

Sometimes I feel like bashing my head into a wall. I doubt that'll make things any better, but maybe it'll take all the things away in my head, all the painful thoughts and memories. Maybe not. Maybe I'll just end up getting a stupid concussion. If I'm lucky, a coma. That would put me out of my misery, at least for a little while.

Anyhoo, thanks for trying. Thanks for being here. And thanks for considering me your daughter.

Love, Ashley

P.S. Sorry if this letter is too much for you. Just wanted to write down my feelings without being judged.