Insomnolence |Ryden AU| ✔️

~13~

Love is a scary thing.

You're willingly giving someone your heart and soul, the power to crush it in a single moment.  You give them your entire world in the hopes of them returning it back to you.  It can grow and ebb like the tide, or it can be a violent storm threatening to tear apart everything you've ever known.  It can make you feel warm with its touch, or it can burn you with its bitterness.  You're never even quite sure what brings forth the feeling.  All of a sudden you just realize you've fallen, that maybe you've finally found the last pieces of the puzzle, the puzzle that completes the void inside your chest.

What is love, anyway?  For some, it might be the gentle whispers in your ear, or it might be the simple act of being in one another's presence, or the comforting knowledge that they're always right there by your side, never going to leave you alone.  It might be the speeding of your heart at a soothing touch, or the feeling of holding on when all has been lost.  Love can mean plenty of different things.  It varies from person to person.

And that's what scares me about it.

What happens if the person you love, doesn't love you back?  It's lonely.  It's possessive.  It's irrational, and a hundred other terrifying sensations that flood your system all at once.  It's a feeling no one wants to go through, because it's the worst in the world.

Love is a scary thing.

It's when you say their name that you hold the power, and when they say your name, you've never heard it pronounced so beautifully, because it's your name in their mouth.  It feels like it belongs in their mouth, that you belong to them, and they're never going to let you go.  Love is an insatiable desire that never seems to be fulfilled, a craving that never goes away, and you might never want it to go away.  Who wants to throw away a feeling like love?

Vivre sans aimer n'est pas proprement vivre.

To live without loving is to not really live.

I guess that holds true sometimes, doesn't it?

Love is a scary thing.

*  *  *  *  *

I'm so exhausted.

I don't think I can even call it that anymore.  I've barely closed my eyes for weeks, and even if I have, the rest was short-lived and ended in screams of terror.  I'm not tired anymore.  I'm a walking corpse, awaiting the moment when I finally collapse and never rise again.  It's bound to happen soon.

The hunger is worse.  My stomach pains and aches, growls and groans, but I can't do anything to cease its suffering.  I can't eat.  I can't look at a plate of food without feeling my insides twisting and turning.  I can hardly drink, my throat too dry and unwilling to let even a smooth liquid slide down into my stomach.  Everything hurts, and I just want to feel normal again.

The night drags on at an agonizing pace, but when the sun finally starts to peek over the horizon, casting a bright glow across the waking town, a sense of hope eats away at the sludge flowing through my veins.  It's morning.  I can go to the office and see him, be with him.  I've been waiting all night, and now I can finally leave this silent house.

But when I get up, I realize that everything is starting to take its toll on me.

The room spins, shadows swirling in front of my eyes.  My legs don't work; I almost lose my balance and collapse into the coffee table.  Everything is a violent whirlwind, and I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I need sleep.  I need food.  I need water.  But I can't get those things if I'm not with him and the security he gives me.

I have to get to the office.

The air outside is crisp.  Perfect November atmosphere.  Leaves are gorgeous colors, tumbling to the ground and letting kids jump into the piles they make.  I remember when I did that.  Back before the nightmares plagued by life and made me fear what could be hiding amongst those colorful leaves.

I want my life back.

My breath crystallizes in the air, cold wind biting at my nose.  I should have brought a coat.  I'm freezing.  My limbs hurt.  Everything hurts.  The sidewalk in front of me twists and turns into wild amalgamations.  I think I'm seeing things.  What's happening to my head?

Office is close now.  He's close.  I can already imagine his smile, his glimmering eyes, his comfort.  I feel like it's been ages since I last saw him.

I'm on my way.

Have to cross a street to get there.  Not a problem.  I cross it every time I visit.  Usually pretty quiet, but today, lots of traffic.  Lots and lots of traffic.  Honking cars, angry drivers.  Must be early rush hour.  People trying to get to work, maybe.  That makes sense.

Shake my head.  Busy mind, buzzing thoughts.  Wobbling legs.  Why do I feel so weak?  Oh well.  Have to cross the street.

Crossing.  Tired.  Feeble.  Can barely see.  God, I'm tired.

I hear a car honk.  It sounds angry.

Then I feel the pain.

~~~~~

Whoops.  Rip :'(

My birthday is next weekend wOoOOOo I'm gonna be 17?!>!.1 I'm too old

Also thanks so much for over 400 reads and over 50 votes what the frick it's only been like two months since this was published y'all are the best

Remember to vote/comment/share with your pals! <3