Journal Entry

Day 4

These past few days have been different. I realized the only way anyone can be happy with anyone else is when they are lying. My dad told me to lie. He said to act like I'm happy so I don't have to deal with anything medical. He told me to lie. My mom doesn't seem to care. Everyone is blaming me. Everyone says this is all my fault. That I'm the reason I'm not getting better. They keep saying I'm not trying. The only person who cares is my teacher. He cares. He has been there since there the whole time and has helped me more than he even knows. I can't describe how happy he makes me. He gives me hope that I might get better. That there is actually a life worth living. His stories, both personal and public, make me feel like I have something to look forward to in life. But it's not enough. I still feel like ending my life every single day. I have no clue why either. I want to stop getting help cause I want everything to stop. I'm tired of missing classes and missing out on life just for doctors appointments. I'm overall tired of the hospital visits. I can't go back to a hospital. I can't go back to another one. I can't deal with being away from everyone again. I can't do that. Not again. It was hell. That teacher was my motivation to get out. That teacher was my motivation to not end my life. I was going to kill myself a couple of weeks ago and that teacher was the only thing that stopped me. I thought of him and that was the only thing that kept me from hurting myself. He made me think,"What if. What if I get better? What could I do?" And it stopped me. It made me realize maybe there is more I can do. I know how weird this will sound but whenever him and I talk, I get this feeling like I never want it to end. I never want to stop that conversation. I feel comfortable around him. Cause I feel like he won't judge me. And I'm honestly scared. I don't know how this will all end. I don't know how long I can suffer through this. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to him and tell him everything. Exactly how I feel and everything. Cause of all people I can't leave him out of everything. I look up to him too much. He may never see this. But if he does. Thank you.