• m e r a k i •

• nodus tollens •

~ (n.) the realization that the plot of your life doesn't make sense to you anymore ~

TRIGGER WARNING {mentions of alcohol, drugs, self-harm and suicide}

you take a swig of that deadly liquid you call freedom.
you feel your body numb as the cold liquid runs down your throat
however,
the sad thing is that you did not realise that freedom, was slowly killing you.
and yes it might have made you feel free but it was damaging you more than you could ever imagine.
you do not realise this,
but you are drinking your life away.

you finish your bottle of freedom and decide to take a needle of happiness.
but you did not know that that is not what happiness is meant to feel like.
happiness is meant to feel like the sunset on a rainy day or the smell of a new, untouched book.
happiness is meant to feel happy.
not like you're numb and dying
but to you,
sadly,
that is what happiness is.
to you happiness is like warm water on a humid day or like a house with no lights on.
just nothing.

after you take your shot of happiness you grab a weapon of coping and slice into your skin attempting to let your demons out
however,
while you saw demons leaving your body we saw rows and rows of pain and suffering,
hidden by a simple sheet of clothing.
it was sad seeing you convince yourself that everything is okay and that you're alright,
but you're not.
you never were.
it's hard seeing you convince yourself that feeling nothing is happiness and that freedom was being so drunk and high you couldn't move a muscle.
it was hard because we could've given you light.
we could've saved you.
but it's too late now because all i can see is your weary eyes looking up at me saying
im sorry,
im sorry and goodbye.
and in that moment,
in that exact moment,
i lost everything.
because saving you,
would've saved me.
but it's too late now,
you're already gone.
and,
im sorry.
im so sorry.