A Thug Love

17. Willing To Change..

Xavier Falls

"Wassup son." My father said as I came downstairs, he was seated at the table smoking a blunt.

"Morning." I said.

"Where ya lady at?" He asked referring to Alaina.

"She taking a shower." I informed and he simply nodded in response. I sat down across from me.

"I've been meaning to talk to you.." I started. His eyebrows raised as he blew smoke to the side so it wouldn't be in my face.

"Bout what?" He said dryly..

"I feel like-" I started before sighing. "I feel depressed.."

"Need me to call the counselor over here or somethin' ?" He asked.

"No, I don't want a damn counselor like I've been getting my while fucking life I want a parent to listen to me!" I snapped. I had no idea where the sudden agree had come from and I'm sure he didn't either. He didn't react dramatically, he furrowed his eyebrows and took a long pull of his blunt.

"Alright, talk nigga. What you depressed about?" He questioned.

I took a deep breath before I spoke. "Everything really, my life is just-" I started.

"Well not for one, Genesis.." I said. The mention of my sisters name caused my pops whole demeanor  to change.

He didn't respond, he started staring off into space like he was in deep thought.

"I keep having these dreams and shit. Ever since thanksgiving, I keep thinking her death is all because of me. She appeared in my fucking room last night.." I said more to myself.

"Did she?" He queried putting the roach out.

"Yeah, she was telling me to watch my back and all this other shit." I muttered.

He chuckled. "That's how shit is.. She was my first girl, you know? The shit has been eating me alive.."

"I know, but it seems like its haunting me. For real." I said shaking my head.

"..and I don't feel loved." I said honestly. He laughed a little.

"You don't feel loved?" He repeated.

"No, I don't." I shrugged. "I mean, I know mama loves me or whatever. But you I'm not so sure.." I said bluntly.

"What would make you say some foul shit like that?!" He questioned angrily but he still kept his voice at a low volume.

"Because you treat me more like a business partner than a son. I can't remember the last time we conversed about something other than hustlin' " I told him.

"Let's not forget something Xavier, you chose this shit, okay? You asked for this!" He reminded. "Don't try to turn this shit around on me because you realizing how big of a deal it is now. If I didn't love you I wouldn't be so hard on you on how to play the game right, so you don't loose your fucking life. But I don't love you, right?" He scoffed.