They Think We're Crazy... ||°Lams Ghost AU°||- On Hold

Chapter 7

  A/N: ^ that pic has nothing to do with the book, I just really like it.

  John laid down on the couch, lost in thought. He finally got his mind off of Alexander, but the thoughts rushed back when he saw Alex come running into the room.
  "John, you awake?" He asked.
  "Wasn't ever asleep, turns out I still can't." John sighed, sitting up. He grabbed Alex by the hands, and pulled him into him, practically forcing him to take his body back.
  "So you read the journal?" He said, after a minute of silence.
  "Yeah, and I'm really sorry..." Alex said, looking down.
  "For what?"
  "What happened to you, it must've been terrible..."
  "Alex, I did it to myself. I deserved it." John said, with a forced chuckle.
  "No you didn't." Alex said, and there was quiet for a while, before he broke it.
  "So you wanted to fight in the war, didn't you?"
John nodded solemnly.
  "Well, I've decided: I want to fight for you." He said sternly, smiling as he looked over at John. John took a second to process what Alex said, before he shot up and turned to him, a look of pure amazement on his face.
  "Really?" He practically shouted. "You'd do that?"
Alex smiled, and nodded softly.
  "Of course I would, I lo-" he started to say, but corrected himself. "I'd love to fight for you, you deserved to live long enough to fight for yourself, and I'll fight since you're gone." Alex said. He turned away before he felt John's arms wrap around his shoulders, and a pair of lips touch against his. He didn't move forward, but he didn't pull away. He was just surprised. As quickly as the kiss started, it ended.
  "I'm sorry, I don't know why, I just-" John stammered, his face turning a bright red. He tried to hide it by looking down.
  "No, I get it, it's okay." Alex said quickly, putting a hand on John's shoulder. "You didn't do anything wrong, you're fine."
  "I'm really sorry..." John said again.
  "It's okay John, I understand."
John stood up.
  "I've gotta go." He said, and left to sit in his office, trying to get away from Alex. As he closed behind him, he immediately felt the aura of the room grow colder. He slumped down against the wall, not bothering to sit in the chair just four feet away. He really didn't know what brought him to do what he did, it just felt right in the moment. That was the third time today he did something like that, he needed to stop.
  He'll never love someone like you.
  Why would he want you?
  You did this to yourself.
  You're hopeless.
  You've waisted your time on Earth.
  You'll never find love.
  Especially not in him.
  You're not good enough.
  You make every mistake.
John let these thought surround him. Let the emotions crash down on him, dragging him down further into the swirling waves of pain that we're stirring inside him. He couldn't help but wish that there was no after life. That he could just cry himself to sleep, and never wake up. To just stay dead.
                         ~~~~~
  Alex watched as John stormed off to his office. He wanted to run after him, but decided against it. He didn't understand why he was so upset, Alex told him that it was okay. He heard a thump against a wall, and started to get up, but decided not to. He sat on the couch just thinking to himself, trying to keep his mind off John, but couldn't. There was something wrong, and he wanted to help, but felt that he couldn't. After all, it felt like he was the one to cause the problem. He tried to dismiss that thought, but he couldn't help but think it might've been his fault. He jumped a bit when he heard a loud sob come from the office. He slumped down in his seat, resisting the urge to get up. Another sob came, followed by loud sniffles. Alex finnaly cracked, and got up. He knocked on the door of the office.
  "John, are you okay?" He already knew the answer, but asked anyways.
  "I'm fine..." John sniffed, his voice cracking. Alex's expression sunk at the lie, and he started to talk again.
  "Could I come in?" He asked. John didn't answer. "Okay, I'm coming in." He said with finality, and started to open the door.
                         ~~~~~
  John curled up tighter, and let his body be surrounded by the waves of emotion. He let all of the thoughts he tried to hide in the back of his brain come out. It was overwhelming, he couldn't take it.
  You don't deserve to exist
  Everything about you is so terrible
  His thoughts started to retreat when he felt the aura of the room grow warmer, and he heard a voice.
  "John, are you okay?" He heard Alex say, his voice muffled through the door. John tried his best to hide all of his emotions before he answered.
  "I'm fine..." That was a lie. He was a lot of things right now, "fine" was not one of them.
  "Could I come in?" Alex asked. Then, all if his emotions crashed right back down on him. Alex couldn't see him like this, he was a sobbing mess. He tried to say "no," but the words couldn't escape his throat.
  "Okay, I'm coming in." Alex said, and the door opened. John hid his face in his knees, and tried to turn away. He felt a hand stroke his back, and he grew warmer, just a little more comfortable. He knew it was Alex. He didn't want to be near him, but as soon as they made contact, he wanted more than anything to just be closer to him.
                         ~~~~~
  "Okay, I'm coming in." Alex said, as he opened the door to the office. He turned, and saw John with his head tucked into his legs, and his back against the wall. The sight was crushing, seeing John cry. He sat down next to him, and started to put a hand on his back. Before he knew in, John's arms were wrapped around him in a hug, his head hidden Alex's chest. Alex hugged him back, stroking his hair and his back. Even not seeing John, he could tell that he was holding back tears.
  "It's okay, you're okay." Alex said softly, shushing him. He muttered words of reassurance, rubbing John's back. John's breathing steadied, and the tears stopped flowing, his head still remained hidden from Alex. After a minute of them just sitting with each other, Alex still muttering reassuring phrases to him, Alex whispered three words to him that John both longed for, and despised:
  "I love you."