Time is Distance

Prologue: Before, After

It's been almost a year since I got my job. I've seen many customers come and go. Getting this job completely changed my life. Not just because I have a steady form of income, but because of one customer.

Ah yes, Beryl. Beryl was one of my best friends' friend in high school. We hung out a couple times that were meant to be dates, but it never felt like dates because there were always other friends with us. We ended up drifting apart and never talking to each other. Until that is, he came in randomly once, on a night I just so happen to be working.

Because of Beryl, I have an amazing group of friends that support me. I know if I ever needed anyone to talk to, I could talk to them. It's honestly one of the best feeling a person could have. Every Monday night, I get to see these amazing people.

If Beryl never came in when he did, I would never have received the invite to join in the first place. I wouldn't be as social as I am now, I've grown so much.

I didn't always feel this way, being this happy. Even during the time with them, sometimes it was hard. I was hurting myself every week I went. Not physically, but emotionally. Even now, I'm still not sure if this is what I really want.

This past year... well, technically 10 months, have been an emotional roller coaster with no sign of ending. Before, I wanted it to end. That's all I wanted, was to find a way to get off and walk away. No regrets, just moving on. But it seemed that every time I had the opportunity to get off, I couldn't bring myself to, like I was holding on to this hope that I felt didn't exist.

Before I knew it, the coaster would start speeding up again, and I lost my chance to get off. I would be begging myself for another chance to get off. Yet, when I got the chance again, it slipped past me just as the first chance did. It felt like a never ending cycle.

Of course, these emotions I was fighting, before, I was actually suppressing them. I was trying to get them to disappear, I had to find my off switch. Which, I know how to activate, it's just a matter of pursuing the activation. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't activate it. I was stuck in a loop, trying to get rid of the feelings I had.

Yet, after, I wasn't suppressing them anymore. I finally began to accept them. Whether I wanted them or not, the feelings were there. I couldn't keep telling myself what I had been, because it was no longer true. For once, I felt like there was maybe even the smallest chance. That one ray of sunshine on a dark, cloudy afternoon.

Even after, I was still trying to get rid of my emotions. Just, not as badly as I was before. The one time I felt I was going to succeed in activating my off switch, completely backfired. He did not give me the answer I was hoping for. Yet, at the same time, is that true? Did I really want him to say no? Or is that a lie I continue to tell myself?

After, I was still fighting, but I guess not as hard as I thought I was. The people around me began to notice, even assumed we were boyfriend and girlfriend a few times. Of course I corrected them, I had to.

I'm just glad I had 2 friends in particular that helped me more than they realized. One of them being Brooke, who lives about an hour away now. We met in high school, and she's honestly one of the best people to talk to about guys. The other, being Harmony. She kinda lives on the other side of the United States but hey. She's always been there for me when I needed her. We actually met online, which makes our friendship even more unique, since you never know who you're meeting online.

Even though neither of them have met him, I think they both approve of him from what I've told them. My best friend, Roi, on the other hand, does not. I don't think anyway. I had to call him an asshat once for Roi, since he moved to Pennsylvania.

I don't know what the near future holds, but what I do know is how everything ended up playing out. If life was a game of cards, I think I played mine right. The hand I have now, I have to wait to play. The hands he played, are the effect of mine.

There is so much to tell, but only one place to start; from the beginning. The first Monday night I went to AGG.

Thursday
December 7, 2017
9:09 pm