Dear journal,
Mama and I have been living on the streets for the past few months. She couldn’t find a job and thought these men she slept with were going to take care of us. She thought wrong. We are living in her car and sometimes at the shelters. I stop going to school, because of the fact I had no clean clothes and was embarrass. My mother should kill herself for moving us to New York, knowing we have no family or friends here. Man I hate her! Move me away from a life I was used to, from the love of my life. God knows how much I miss Dontrell. How I miss getting dick every day. All I do now is walk the streets and sit in the car. Listen to mama cry at nights and complain in the morning. I admire the prostitutes they work there ass off for them sorry dicks. I could’ve been like them, but mama been on my ass when really I should’ve been on hers. I mean me working on the streets could help us out and get out of this shit hole. I can’t believe she can be so stupid. I guess it’s true what they say a man gentiles can make a women do crazy things.
March.2, 2011
Dear journal,
Sometimes I wonder what will happen if I killed myself; because it seems my life only get worst. My mother had the nerve to bring a man to our house (car) and seduce him. Now I’m sitting on the side of road ready for the bastard to get what he wants and get the hell on and Out of our lives. I swear my life not suppose to be like this. Like god has a different plan for me but right now it’s taking a turn for the worst. This feel like the time I told Brandon I would suck his dick, and when I did that shit had scars and bumps on it. It looked gross so I put a condom on it just to please and pleasure him. Even when deep inside me felt sick to my stomach and discourage. Half of my teenage life was mostly on pleasing people especially boys. Is that what my mother doing pleasing the man who is thrusting the hell out of her, or is she doing it for me and her. So that we can get out the streets, she gets a job, us moving out of the projects and into the big city, me going to the best schools and her finally finding true love. Yeah that’s how life would be just perfect, and maybe just maybe I will change my ways.
March, 10, 2011
Dear journal,
I can’t believe she just gave me away. Away to a man I completely didn’t know. Total stranger from the streets I remember like it just happen. “Go ahead Brianna with that nice man; he won’t hurt you, just do whatever he tells you to do”. I look at my mom with disbelief, is she serious right now. “Come on girl I don’t have all day “, the heathen man demands. My mother nudges me towards him I refuse to go, why would she offer me to him. This is not right. For one the man look like a pimp on drugs and he is not the 16 year old boys I pleasure at home. “Mama don’t let me go, what is your problem”. Tears start to swell up in her eyes and I can see from my reflection in the window that mine are already strolling down. The man grabs my arm and starts to pull. I try snatching my hand back but his grip gets tighter. I scream for help, for someone to help me break free, someone to take me away from my troubles, for someone can take me away from this nightmare. It seem like no one hears me or even wants to hear me. I cry and yell, I get on the ground and try to crawl away but the man just grab me and drag me to his car. My mom just stands there and cries and stares. Why won’t you help me? Why won’t you help your only child? Your little girl. He puts me in his car and right then and there he rapes me. I feel disguised, the pain between my thighs doesn’t compare to the pain in my heart.
March, 16, 20110
Dear journal,
The sickness I have for all men and my mother. How could you give your child away? Just for 20 bucks! Is my body worth that much? How could a man do such a thing to a 16 year old child? I’ve had some crazy sex scenes and some bad sexual habits but I never been force. It was always my choice. My insides feel fucked up and I can’t do a damn about it. A part of me left that day in that car. My whole world went to hell and vacation there. I haven’t seen or talk to my mother for a month now. And I can care less what she doing and who she doing. She hurt and betrayed me. I have been on the streets and in and out of shelter homes. I go to the clinic every day to make sure that stupid nigga didn’t have any disease and shit. I still don’t believe this is how god plans for my life. I pray every night that god forgive my sins and watch me at night. At this point I am a trouble child. I plan on changing my ways. Its funny how one big incident changes everything? How the fact I cry at night of the bad dreams I have. How I yell out at night at the shelters for help in my sleep. That’s when the nice ladies come running. Why weren’t they there when I needed them? When no one was listening to me? Why wasn’t my mother helping me?
