Suitcase 143

Chapter 2

Do you really love me? But why I can't feel it. I hate this damn feeling.

I WENT OUTSIDE THE BALCONY. The air was refreshing. It smells new to me, kahit madalas akong tumatambay sa lugar na ito, kasing dalas ng mga pag-ulan sa tag-araw. I just want to feel it. For the last time. My hair covers my face as the wind blows.Mahaba 'to dati, pero pinaputol ko ng mamatay si mama. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit. Dahil siguro sa nagluluksa pa ako sa mga panahon na iyon at wala pa ako sa sariling katinuan, kaya siguro nagawa kong putulin ang buhok na matagal n'yang inalagaan. She never fails to comb it every night when I was a child, young lovely lady, as what she always says. But now she's gone, I have no time to do it on my own. Kahit meron, parang ayoko parin. Lalo ko lang s'yang naaalala. Lalo ko lang s'yang gustong makita. But it was impossible. It was too late. Hindi na maaari. Sobrang nanghihinayang ako kung bakit hindi ko nasabi kung gaano ko s'ya kamahal sa mga huling sandali n'ya. Haplos lamang ng mga malalambot n'yang kamay ang huling alaala n'yang iniwan sakin. Kasama ng mga maiinit kong luha.

My father loves my mother so much. Hindi mo sila mapaghihiwalay. Gustong-gusto n'yang nakikitang masaya ang kanyang asawa. But things don't go on what they want. He became another man after what happen. He spend all his time working. Parang nawalan narin s'ya ng gana sakin.

There was a time that I want to rebel. This black paint against my heart dwell deeper as time try to heal it. Sa tuwing tumititig ako sa salamin, hindi ko narin makita ang sarili ko. Napapagod na ako sa pagpapanggap. Pero heto ako. Nahihilo. Wala sa katwiran ang mga gusto. Naiinis ako. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Sa bagong ako. Sa bagong mukha na nagpapakita ng kalungkutan. I want change. But not now. Maybe, later.

Maybe, I need to relax. As exactly what I was thinking my father gave me this vacation. It's kinda weird but I guess he changed a little bit since Mother died. He talk to me more often, it's better than not talking to me at all like Hi-I'm-Nobody!

"HAVEN'T YOU RECEIVED THE TICKET?”, my father speaks slowly at the phone.

“Pa, I’m here at Batangas, maybe I will come by myself in Ilocos and what’s the business around here? It’s kinda weird huh? Meron ba akong hindi alam?”, usisa ko sa kanya. This would be our longest talk so far.

“It’s just nothing. I just want to give you a little treat. You like the beach in Laiya, right?”

“Yeah, I thought you will miss that little part.”

“Of course not!”, sabay tumawa s’ya ng malakas. “Okay, my little daughter, I want you to enjoy that vacation huh? And ---“.

“Pa, I’m not that little girl you use to know, actually I’m taller than you!”, I reacted like we’re just friend teasing each other. Actually I missed it. I missed those moments when I was just her little princess. “And Pa, what are trying to say?”, duksong ko sa naputol n’yang pasabi.

“Oh, there’s someone that will pick you up in Ilocos, or maybe better If he’ll pick you up there in Batangas…”, he hang for a moment.

“But no!”, I shouted. Nakalimutan ko na father ko ang nasa kabilang linya. “ And he? Who the hee—“.

“Don’t worry my daughter he—“,

I cut again what my father’s trying to say, “But who the hell is he? Dong hee?”, and the line was cut. Gahd. Mag-eenjoy ba ako nito kung may nakabantay sakin? No. No. No. I don’t like this plan.