I don't know what to call this

~ Its late ~

As the title may have suggested it really is late.  I'm tired and hungry... but I'm also conflicted.

For the past year- maybe even longer, I have been consistently numb. No, it is not an exaggeration, it is fact. At least thats what I decided. 

How do I know? 

Well you don't really exactly know, but more like you feel. Ironic how you feel numb when you can't feel anything else at all. 

I mean I'm not completely emotionless. 

I can interact with others the same way you do,  I can laugh and joke.  I can smile and do what you'd assume a normal person does. 

But through it all,  there always is this void empty feeling where I assume my heart would be.  Even though I display emotions on the outside, I feel nothing on the inside. 

I don't feel the same way I used to before.  When I felt whole,  even though I was sad at times,  at least I felt something inside. 

It's different now.  Is that normal?

I no longer enjoy the things I used to love.  The things that would make me happy. 

I have no dream or purpose that drives me to wake up every single morning. 

I don't have any point to live for. 

I'm not suicidal..  At least not anymore.  Even when I was,  there was still a feeling in my chest.  Nothing is the same anymore. 

Living hollow and purposeless really takes a toll on you.  I don't exactly feel helpless,  but I don't exactly feel okay either. 

I live life without any dreams or goal,  and I watch everyday as people around me with dreams and aspirations achieve what they want to. 

Why can't I be the same?  Why don't I have a dream like everyone else?  Why don't I have something to live for? 

And I mean something to truly live for. 

I probably sound so confusing right now.

Maybe..  If I were to sum up exactly how I feel into words..  It would probably be

I live because I can't die.