I don't know what to call this

~ Love's worth ~

Things were great; amazing actually. Being with him was like a sip of your favorite cup of coffee on a cold rainy day or like basking in the familiar scent of an old favorite book. It was too good to be true. 

So why does it hurt so much? 

Why do I feel like I need to constantly fight to hold onto this one thing good in my life. For the first time in a long while when I finally have something worth living for, its as though the world conspires to take it all away from me. Like feeling genuinely  happy is wrong.

You don't know how badly I want this to last - how badly I need to hold onto this. I couldn't bare to lose this after all the pain I dealt with in my life. He makes everything I do okay. Sure, he's not perfect- no one is, but he's the most perfect thing for me. 

Sometimes I hate that fact though. I let myself fall hard and fast when I promised myself I wouldn't. I just want to feel like its okay to fall hard. I want to feel free from the crippling fear of losing him just as quick as I got him. 

He promises so much and I believe him. More often I ask myself if I should. We're only so young is what everyone says. Believe me, I am fully aware. But I am also aware of what love is though I am young. People may tell me otherwise, but I know deep in my heart that this is genuine love. It scares me so much. 

God it scares me. 

There's only so much I can do to keep him with me.

He says that maybe one day I'll get tired of his antics and leave him. 

What he doesn't know is the things he says will be the reason I might leave him are also the things I am madly in love with. 

If anything, I know he'll be the one leaving me even though he promises he would never. 

He's loved better before and better has loved him too. He has other options.

But he's the only one I've ever known. 

I know that if he were to leave me, my downfall would be the greatest one yet.

So yes, I am happy with him. Beyond happy. 

But I am also preparing for the downfall everyone says will come. I may have faith in him and in his love, but it doesn't matter if I don't have the same faith for myself. 

So god, please.

Let me have this love just for a little while before I break into a million more pieces again. 

Make it a great love that was worth destroying myself over. 

Because once its gone, so am I.