"A violinist should always be happy when he is playing. If he is playing well, he should be happy that he is playing well. If he is not playing well, then he should be happy because it will soon be over." --Jascha Heifetz
Whether you are a Buddhist or not, here is a good koan: How do you learn to play the violin, without buying a real violin?
Don't worry! There is an easy solution to this challenging problem. Acquire an air violin! However, take caution: air violins are only found at the far end of the universe.
Froogle Maps' Directions to Obtaining an Air Violin:
1) Situate yourself in the nearest spaceship.
2) 3...2...1..BLAST OFF!! Fly out 7800 light years into the nearest black hole.
3) Land inside the black hole. You will most likely experience a powerful tidal force pulling you in; this is not to worry! The Black Hole is also known to distort light and the electromagnetic spectrum.
4) At 4345 Nothingness Avenue of the Black Hole, you will find the Black Market. There, you must change your Earth Currency for bank Notes.
The Exchange Rate:
1 Earth Dollar = 1 Whole Note
1 Whole Note = 2 Half Notes
1 Whole Note = 4 Quarter Notes
1 Whole Note = 8 Eighth Notes
1 Whole Note = 16 Sixteenth Notes
1 Whole Note = 32 Thirtysecond Notes
5) After exchanging money, head to a violin shop and bargain for the cheapest violin. For instance, if the price of the cheapest violin is 1 Thirtysecond Note, you must bargain the price up to 2 Half Notes. Please keep in mind that the shopkeeper will be made up of invisible matter, as is everything in the Black Hole World.
6) When you have succeeded in buying an air violin, obtain a spaceship at SpazzySpace World (located at -415 degrees Latitude, 42789 degress Longtitude) and fly back to Earth.
GOOD LUCK! :)
Approximated Length: 1348741512237894520097675567969870 kilometers
Approximated Time: 156200 light years
Courtesy of http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn16885-what-would-it-look-like-to-fall-into-a-black-hole.html for all information about Black Holes.
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A Plebeian's Guide to Playing the Violin Badly
Non-FictionA commoner's guide to playing violin atrociously. Side-effects may include: being banished from your home (due to your horrible violin skills) or a very stressful life. Sequel to "A Wealthy Man's Guide to Playing the Violin Well." And as Friedrich N...
