Beautiful Disaster

Devin

"He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold"

Pulling to the shoulder of the highway, I swept a tear from my eye. Kelly Clarkson's Beautiful Disaster danced through the car speakers and into my almost faded memories of a boy who I had known in school. He was a brilliant young man who was funny, kind, and smart. A boy who could have grown up to be anything he wanted to be. Although he had enormous potential, he had been made to believe that his destiny was to be a failure. No one could convince him otherwise. It was a tragedy that played out in front of my eyes.

Devin was his name. He was an average kid in look and stature, dark brown hair cut to about the nape of the neck. In school he had a boyish face for the longest time. He started getting facial hair our senior year, and had a hard time keeping up with it. He would help anyone in a heartbeat, such a kind soul. He had a way of making me laugh when I needed it most. He was very smart, not exceedingly smart, but smart enough that he would have done well if made to believe it.
He was hard to figure out at times, never knowing what was going on in his head was something I'm sure even he couldn't figure out. I was drawn to him, this little bit of intrigue, secrecy, made us similar in ways.

I was a scared, lonely gay boy in hiding. I needed the feel of normalcy. In a way, Devin provided that for me. He was my straight, guy friend and a big help with my facade. The only one who knew was Devin and he was good at keeping secrets. I never pictured Devin and I together in a romantic setting, he was always more like a brother to me. As the school years progressed, we did become very close, like siblings. We would pick on each other, laugh and cry with each other, even fight with each other.

Looking back now, I guess we were all we had. He was my confidante and I was his. Even as close as we were, I still often wonder what went on in his mind when he would look almost lost in thought. Like I said, maybe even he didn't know.

As I sit by the shoulder of the highway, wiping away the tears running down my cheek, I begin to miss the boy I knew, and the man I was never really introduced to.