Broken for the last time

My life by an unloved woman

This is the first time in my life that I have decided that I can no longer hold back what my life has been like and the things I have been through.

I have never really had anyone stand by me or support me in my life, I have never really had anyone to talk to about the things that kept me awake in the night and have terrorised my dreams.

Over the years i have written in numerous diary's but have destroyed them as i was ashamed of my life.

I never wanted anyone to find them or read them as they would know the horrors that haunted my life. I have hidden so much pain, anger, tears and sadness over the years, from a mother who I should have been able to turn to but could not .

As their was never any time for me I often found myself wondering as a child "did I do something wrong"

I have been trying all my life to make everyone else happy but I never really thought about myself.

I have tried to change to fit into a box that I simply just don't fit in.

From as far back as I can remember life has always been difficult growing up, we lived in a 3 bedroom maisonette in Deptford. Our house consisted of our mother and father and 6 kids.

Our mother was always busy doing something and if she was mad you knew it. The music would be on full blast and if you tried to talk to her she would blank you.

Our mother was very strict and if you got into trouble she would beat you with whatever she could get her hands on, belt, slipper, coat hanger, ruler it did not matter once she was done it was up to bed no dinner no nothing.

It was never peaceful in our house, mum always had people round half the estate basically live in our home, mum always had party's and they went on until everyone had gone home.

It was during this time that my life changed in a way that shattered me from deep within and I didn't know what to do, how to tell, how to stay safe. This was the time I prayed it would end or someone would come and save me, but no one came it hurt so much sometimes I would wet myself with fear.

When I was around 5 it all started my big brother had a friend his name (we will call him x) was always hanging around and staying over, one day x was over and mum and dad had gone shopping, my big brother and x were baby sitting im not quite sure where my brother was at the time but we were all in the front room watching cartoons when we should have been doing our home work, I needed the toilet and ran upstairs, when I came out of the bathroom and walked into my room to get something x was behind me he sat on the corner of the bed and asked me do you want to play a grown up game as I think you will be good at it.

I said I did and he asked me to come and sit with him I never knew that at that moment in time my hole life would change and so would I. We sat and he asked me if we could keep our game a secret I think I was so happy as mum and dad never let us play out with the older kids. I believe I said we could and at first we played with Barbie and ken obviously I was Barbie (who didn't want to be Barbie at that age she was amazingly beautiful) me and my sisters had a big Barbie van and we pretended that he was the dad and I was the mum, he wanted Barbie and ken to go to bed and as we tucked them in. he said let us play mums and dads. He said he would tuck me in and show me how much mums and dads loved each other

I never knew any better at such a young age and I played along.

I can remember the first time he touched me. I can remember how he rubbed my knee, slowly moving his hand up my leg and then rubbing in-between my legs it felt uncomfortable and he took my hand and pushed it in his trousers and told me to squeeze gently, I said I did not want to play anymore and he said ill get one of your sisters to play then and they will have all the fun. I'm not sure what went through my mind but as I tried to get up he pulled me back down and he kissed me and pulled my nickers aside and pushed his fingers inside me it hurt so much his hand was over my mouth tears were falling but no one could here my crying he whispered this only happens to good girls and I was his good girl.... As he took my innocents from me I felt something worm hard and huge being pushed deep within me it was his genetials he pushed it so hard and so fast I tried to scream but nothing came out he laid on top of me pounding my insides hurting me until he mouned and I felt a worm feeling inside of me and I felt like I had wet myself when he pulled out he said if you tell your mummy will get mad and send you away because little girls should not play adult games as he wiped himself on my dress and went downstairs like nothing had happened.

I ran to the bathroom I took my clothes off as I was wet I washed myself as I washed i noticed some blood in my knickers. I was so afraid of the beating i would get from my mum and i was hurt and ashamed of what had just happened

I was crying but no one came to see why no one seemed to care I went into my room and got fresh clothing i hid my dress in my school bag I ran back into the bathroom as I did not want anyone to know the shame of what I had just been through. I padded out my underwear with toilet paper I thought I was going to die. It hurt so much I climbed up onto my bed and hid under my covers i wished my mum and dad would hurry up and come back i remember curling myself up into a ball and i cried myself to sleep..

That evening I remember being woken up by my sister mum and dad got chip shop come on I stayed in bed I just lay their staring out the window wishing I could just fall through it. I did get up go to the bathroom and clean myself and because I could still a bit of blood on the tissue i was so scared I rolled up my flannel and put it in my knickers I thought it might hold more I was still in a lot of pain. I could hear everyone having dinner but I was not hungry so I never went down i went back to bed dad came up and he called to me i lay their as if i was asleep he called to me again and then walked over to the bed and said dinner is down stairs i never moved but i did say i did not feel well and just wanted to sleep.

When my dad left the room he turned off the light i lay their for ever i listened to the voice off everyone in the house i lay their and listen as they come to bed once the house was silent and i could hear my dad snoring i climbed down and crept into my parents room, at the bottom of the bed was a box my mum kept all her bedding in i would climb on it and crawl in the bottom of the bed.praying i would be safe.