Suicidal- Luke Hemmings.

6

Chapter 6

My eyes fluttered open, and I felt immediate pain past my neck. I shifted only a little to find someone's hands on my waist. My eyes shot open fully, coming fully aware of my surroundings. I realized I was back in my home, my whole night rushing back to my thoughts. It was then when I realized it was Luke holding me in place. With a struggle, I turned to face him, ready to push him away. I was face to face with blood shot eyes that belonged to my ex boyfriend. I took in his appearance, his eyes searching mine for any source of emotion. His eyes were glazed over already, leaning forward and gentle pressing his lips against mine. He was very gentle, as if every movement was a risk, that he might break me if he added more pressure.

"I love you," as soon as those three words slipped from his mouth, there was a long silence as if he had said it by mistake and I was waiting for the apology, the 'I'm sorry', but instead he surprised me with, "And I always will."

"I-I love you, too," I croaked out, on the verge of tears.

I knew what I was saying was true, but I could never know about Luke's. I mean, he had witnessed the mess I was last night, and he was able to say those words with out cringing? That didn't seem right, or maybe he was in love with me, I was just too stupid to realize it. The song he sung to me last night filled my ears, and I knew that I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve him at all, whether we were just friends, or boy friend and girlfriend. I knew his fans thought that too, they wouldn't let me go a day with out reminding me how fat, or ugly I was. To be honest, the hate the fans told me constantly never really bothered me. The kind of hate I took seriously were the people who knew me for a few years. The ones who knew every little secrete of mine, and still told me I was too ugly or not good enough. I could give less of a shit if people who only seen my face, they know nothing.

Luke's arms pulled me closer, bringing me away from my thoughts. I cringed as fabric moved across my cuts, but I still felt safe in his arms. We laid there, cuddling for a long while. He had told me he loved me, was that a sign that we were back together now? Or was he just saying that so I didn't propel myself off a cliff while he was sitting with me?

"So," Luke murmured softly, no good conversation ever starts with that word.

"Yes?"

"I'm going on tour soon..." he murmured, his blue eyes meeting mine, which do not even closely compare to the beauty of his. "I can't take you this time, a-and I thought you would want to be broken up with me for that time- I didn't want you thinking that I didn't love you, because I never stopped."

I opened my mouth, then shut it. I didn't know how to respond to that, it didn't sound true, but it didn't sound like a lie, either. I just didn't want to say anything wrong, I couldn't lose him. I couldn't afford to lose him, but it seemed he was leaving whether or not I liked it.

"I don't want to leave you," he murmured against my forehead.

"Can you explain a few things to me?" I asked, trying to change the subject. The thought of Luke leaving with my smiles and laughs hurt, but it actually happening drained the little bit of existing happiness I had left in me, if any was there at all.

"Like what?"

"Why in the world did you decide not to buy the swimsuit, only to tell me we should have?" I asked, not moving my gaze away from his chest. I left out the part where he basically shunned my scars and made me more self conscious than I already was. I was deciding to be nice to him for right now.

The silence between us was sickening, I could only imagine what was going on in Luke's mind. "I thought you looked more than wonderful in the bikini." He told me, finally. I had nothing to say. I mean, what could I say? I didn't respond to the information he was giving me, I wanted to ask him why he thought that. Why he thought I looked wonderful, why he thought I was anything but disgusting. "I mean you looked really really hot," He chuckled, his hand moving to my back, settling on the small of it.