I sit in the dark a lot lately. The quiet, lonely, dark. Where only my thoughts are there to comfort me. If only that's what they actually done. If only. But they do not.
Instead my mind wonders to the worst. Things that are unspeakable. The things I do not want to remember. The things I do not want to think. My thoughts begin to become less controllable. So my mind wonders more. More and more. Wondering to places it should not be.
My mind takes control. Creates the thoughts to the blade in my drawer. Reminding me how long it's been since the last time. Reminding me how, for just a moment, in the quiet ,lonely, dark, those thoughts could go away.
If only for just a moment, I cannot recall what happened. If only I could not recall what was said. If only I could not recall all of the pain in my life. Even if it is just for a moment. Is it worth it?
My mind should tell me no. But, in the quiet, lonely, dark, my only thought is yes. I can't help but wonder why I always say yes. But before I could even ask the question to myself, I had already done it.
In the quiet, lonely, dark, I slid the blade across my skin. Not even enough to leave a permanent scar. Just enough to forget. For even a moment. It was enough. Three was all it took. Three marks. I ask myself again.
But was it worth it?
I should say no. But forgetting, even for a moment, makes my mind say yes. My thoughts have trailed me to this once again. It had been so long since the last time. But I had to forget. Even for just a moment. I had to forget what's my thoughts said during the quiet, lonely, dark.
