358 days before
I wake up with an excitement. I'm not sure what it is that I am feeling but it is taking over my thought process. It is a feeling of longing, a feeling of wanting to hold something or someone, and it is slightly annoying but for some reason I don't care and I almost feel free and I just want to scream. And so I scream. Sitting up in my bed half naked and scratchy throated, I let out a loud cracking wail of the voice. My eyes screw shut and my mouth opens wide letting out a bit of a fowl smell since I haven't brushed my teeth yet. Audible rambling takes place out side of my room before the door is slung open and Ben and Grace run in hurriedly scanning the room quickly before their eyes land on me, the same look in their eye. When in siblings realize that nothing is actually wrong, they both simultaneously heave a sigh. I almost cringe at their relativeness, it's just too fucking creepy.
"Why the fuck did you just scream?" Ben practically yells at the same time as Grace says, "you scared the hell out of me."
In answer to both of them I slightly shrug but as I do this is realize that I hadn't need to scream at all because it did no good. I still had that weird feeling in my chest. "Your so weird." Ben scoffs and leaves back to his bedroom I assume to go back to sleep because 1. It's his only day off of the weeks and 2. It's only seven.
"Hey, you okay?" She still stood at the door of my bedroom. Her eyes scanned my bedroom for the first time since she's been here, which has been almost a month.
"Yeah, I just... No. Not really. I felt like in needed to do that, but it didn't really do anything." I awkwardly search my room like she is doing. It's not that fantastic. Dark gray walls. Messy. White down comforter. A few old band posters hang half-heartedly on the walls. But when I see the almost admiration in Graces blue-gray eyes, and the crooked smile playing on Graces lips, and the sleep in her eyes, and the tangles in her hair, I know what I feel. I have known it all along.
I liked Grace Hartman. No, I loved her. I didn't why, or how, but I did.
And I wanted to tell her. I wanted to shout it to the void. I wanted to grab her shoulders mad and kiss her and tell her that I loved her and kiss her again but first, I needed to brush my teeth because my breath is seriously vile. I could probably defeat a small country with my hideous breath. I could win a world war. I could drowse an arena. I could- "is it anything you want to talk about?"
"Yes- no. I mean.. No." Graces eyes scrunch together and all I want to do is run up to her and smooth out those creases between her eyes and hold her cheeks and kiss her and then hold her and- all these emotions are piling up and they are now so clear. I need to stop thinking this way before I take action. Ben told me to stay away from her. Technically he said not to fuck her, my subconscious tells me. But that's not what he meant. For the most part.
"Are you sure?" No.
"Yes."
"Okay..." And then she leaves. Fuck. I rub my eyes then race out of bed and into the shower, even though I just had one last night, and then I touch myself because I don't know what else to do. After I am dressed and, finally, brushed my teeth, and surprise myself by barging into Graces room.
"Hey," she looks at me strangely at me from her Glamour magazine. She was payed on her stomach flipping through the pages, listening to what sounded like Vance Joys Riptide. Her room smelt like oranges and vanilla. She painted it crème. On one wall there were poster after poster of music legends and pictures of friends and family and parties. On another wall was a book shelf filled to the top with book after book after book. Christmas lights hung from the window. Her comforter was a soft gray down comforter with yellow pillows... Everywhere. It made me smile.
When did she do all of this?
"Um.. Hey." I rub the back of my neck. Why did I come in here in the first place?
"Ben left, if that's why your in here. Something about a date? I don't know..."
"Oh, uh, that's actually not why I came in here. I wanted to talk to you, actually." Grace sits up closing the magazine and sits it on the bed side table completely focusing in on me. At this point there is no where to hide, no way to get out of this mess, and absolutely no going back now but here it goes.
"Me?" An finger is pointed to her chest and I can't help but let my eyes linger there for a moment before I nod. "Okay... About what?"
I take in a long breath and take my time letting it back out for two reasons being 1. That I half wish I never stepped in here and 2. Being that I'm speechless and have no idea how I want to say this.
"Listen, I-" i cut myself off. What am I doing but making a fool of myself? What am I doing but making things awkward? What am I doing but leading this girl on? This girl who, as warmed, would most certainly leave me anyway, who would do just as her brother said. And then what? She is staying here for a year. What happens after we are over, if we become something at all? We, me and Grace, could not possibly continue as friends. There's no way, that never works out. Never. So the question is, what am I doing here?
So now she's waiting. I've been standing here for a good thirty-five seconds with my mouth wide open waiting for the flies. She's wanting to know what I have to say and now, now I don't have anything to say because now I realize what an idiot I've become to even walk in here. Now i have nothing to say and it's been a minute and she's waiting with that look on her face, that look as if she's waiting but there's a little bit of annoyance and now it's just awkward and I need to say something. Anything. But what?
"Harry?" Mind comes back to me. She thinks I'm a weirdo, most likely. I close my mouth. It's dry and my heart rate is sky rocketing. That feeling I had this morning is gone and my face is hot. I'm embarrassed, utterly embarrassed. I'm still standing here not saying anything.
Get your shit together, Harry.
"I wondering if you'd like to watch a film. I'm going to watch one and I, uh, yeah.." How is it I can't only make this situation worse?
"You," I am pointed at, "want me," she points at herself as she stands and starts slowly walking to me, "to go watch a movie with you?" I nod a little annoyed. She looks at me confused.
"I thought you hated me."
"I don't hate you."
"I asked Ben and he said you hated everybody." I open my mouth for a moment.
"He wasn't necessarily lying." She raises her eyebrows.
"But you said you didn't hate me?" I shrug.
"I quite like you actually."
