Rejected, But Life goes on...

Part 19...I Just Can't

~Re-Cap~

He laid me down on the bed and squeezed some of the goop onto my stomach. "Well from my understanding, your mother put you up for adoption, correct?" I nodded, not wanting to speak because the gooey stuff was so cold I had my mouth clenched to not let out the little cry of shock. "Then it was because of that. Even when your first born your wolf is advance and knows your mother didn't want you to know until you were ready." 

'Uh oh...busted' my wolf chimed in. 

'You are starting to get really annoying you little...' I was cut of by the doctor's next words.

"It's a baby boy." 

**

A boy? I’m going to be having a baby boy? Oh God I wish Nick was here, I wish he was the one holding my hand with a big smile on his face, I wish he was the one giving me that look as if I had just given him the world. 

I can’t believe that I can’t share this moment with Nick. He’s the father of the little blessing growing inside of me, and he can’t be here to see his own blood grow inside of me, then grow up and be a man I know he’d be proud of. But now there is this part of me that hopes, really hopes, that James will be here.  That he’ll be the one to see my sons growth, all he is to become, and I hate myself for it. I want to have Nick here, but my body and heart wants to have James by my side instead. 

I think James knew something was wrong, he gave me a worried look before turning to the doctor and thanking him for his time. Once the doctor left the room he turned back to me, gave me a little smile, and began to whip off the goop on my belly, without saying anything. Which was oddly comforting. Once he was done he gabbed my hand and led me out the office and to the car. 

It was there that I noticed the tears falling from my eyes. I still can’t believe how hard this is, I’ve never really lost anyone that I’ve loved, besides those few night I spent crying over the rejection from James. That hurt a lot worse then this, but at least then I wasn’t drowning in guilt. The guilt of  wanting another man here, more then the father of my child, and it is killing me. I want Nick here so bad, but having James here to is just an amazing feeling for me…and I hate myself so much for it.

I can’t look at James the whole ride in the car. I didn’t even know if we were headed back to the pack house. All I knew was that I hated myself, and hat I was having a baby boy…

*James POV*

I can’t believe how wonderfully today had started. I woke up next to this beautiful woman, who I felt so much love for. She has this crazy bed hair I thought made her look so adorable, and the glow that was just radiating off her body was amazing. Defiantly one of the best mornings of my life, and an image that will never leave my mind. 

And during the ultra sound I was so excited, I couldn’t wait to see the little miracle growing inside of her. I think it’s an amazing thing. That a woman can actually carry a living been inside of them. I know I never showed them how much I actually respect them, but to me, a women being a mother was always the most beautiful thing. Not the whole being pregnant give a girl a beautiful glow that is just amazing, which in Lilly is it, but actually taking care of a child no matter how hard it got. Any girl can give birth, that doesn’t make you a mother, it just means u gave birth. Now don’t get me wrong, I know that there are some who have no choice, but there are others who do.