WORTHLESS [slow updates]

6: The Colours Grey and Gold

6: The colours grey and gold

Are you up there?
Just give me a signal, I'm reaching you now
Because I remember the sound of your voice
But I don't remember what we talked about
It doesn't matter, that's a waste of time
So take off your rings and lipstick for me

"Do you mind?" she asked as she pulled her cone away. "You have- Well, had your own."

Natsu and Lucy had been walking through the streets of Magnolia. It was there they decided to get ice cream. Natsu, though, had already eaten his mint chocolate chip before they even walked back out of the shop and was now trying to steal her scoop.

"You like food more than you like me," Lucy stated. "I don't know if it's impressive or just disappointing."

"Impressive?" Natsu answered hopefully. He was grinning.

She glanced sideways, away from him and complained, "This is weird... How is this different than all the other times we were together? So called date just feels like how it's been since we met."

"Is that okay?"

Lucy looked at him as her cheeks turned light pink. She still wasn't used to it. It was only the day after when the two confessed their feelings for each other. How were either of them supposed to know what to do?

Her ice cream had melted slightly and began dropping on her hand so she licked it, looking away. "I don't know." She paused. "Do you remember how we met?"

He simply said, "Phoney Igneel."

Lucy sighed only slightly disappointed. "I guess you're not wrong. But is that all you remember?"

"Are dates not supposed to be two people, just by themselves? That's what this is, right?"

She shrugged. "Hell if I know, I've never been on one."

Now it was Natsu who looked disappointed.

"I didn't mean it in a mean way. It's just something, you know? Surely you know what I mean."

He tried to take a lick of her ice cream again, and she pulled it away from him. "Natsu!" She tried to sound stern but ended up laughing at his typical Natsu-ness.

"I really like you, Luce. I've never felt this way about anyone before," he said. "I look at you, and I feel something weird in my stomach. When you laugh it's like my chest tightens and I can't breathe."

She blushed. How was she supposed to top that? "I like you too, Natsu..."

Natsu smiled stupidly.

"What?" she asked self-consciously.

"You look cute when you blush."

Of course that made her blush darken drastically.

She looked down, face still on fire. "A-anyway, is this date over? I'm worried about rent."

That was so long ago. It was so long, it feels like a life time ago. The time she's been gone seems like forever. Natsu doesn't even remember what his life was like before Lucy was in it. Was he even a person before? Did he breathe?

Maybe he took her for granted. Maybe that's why he hasn't seen her or been able to touch her in so long. He could only blame himself after all.

"Please," he begs. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I was an idiot most of the time. I'm sorry for fighting with you. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I realize now that you were always there for me when I needed you, and I took you for granted..."

Now Natsu Dragneel kneels in front of  Lucy's grave for the first time. He told himself he'd stay strong, but the second he read her name across the headstone, he lost feeling in his legs and couldn't stand. He still can't believe it. This was his doing.

At the funeral, he just sort of blocked it out. He couldn't hear what prayers were being said, because it was as if a switch had been flipped. All he was aware of was that Lucy wasn't by his side. She always was by his side before, and even after being gone for two years he was still accustomed to having him within his reach. Lucy was always there were he could hug her or kiss her whenever he wanted. He could tease her whenever he wanted. When she was by his side, he could love her.

As he stares at the newly dug grave, his mind flashes back to all their times together. From the day they first met, up to when they first got together.

If he could take back one thing, it would be all the times he ever argued with her. He lost her with her thinking all her wanted was to fight. She had to know how much he loved her; how much he regrets all those times of him trying to control her. He only wanted to protect her and that was all. With what was going on, what else should he have done?

He painfully remembers the look on her face the last time he saw her. Even his only intention was to protect her, he still knew he had tipped the scale. Even still, he didn't know she was missing until a day later. The last time he saw he, she had such a look of frustration and sadness. He hates more than almost everything that he couldn't have at least made her smile like he always usually did before he never saw her again.

"Damn it, I'm sorry!" Natsu bellows. "Please, Lucy. Please just come back to me, I need you. You meant the world to me. I was shitty with showing it, but it's true. What we had was all that mattered to me."

By this point the dragon slayer is crying into the wind. No one can hear him. He can only hope somewhere Lucy is listening.

"I love you," he says quietly. "Forever and always."

Today was the funeral. Today was the day they officially gave up the search and put an empty coffin in the ground.

As Natsu walks down the road, fiddling with his black tie, he thinks of Lucy's celestial spirits. Black suits always were Loke the Lion's thing. But today, almost all of Fairy Tail, and the men from all the other guilds, Sabertooth, Lamia Scale, and so on, were wearing them. During the ceremony it almost felt like a taunt to Natsu. He knew he was overreacting, but that's all he's been doing recently. He's been explosive, more than usual.

Natsu breaks into a run, not knowing or caring where he goes. He doesn't even think he would mind if he wound up running off the ledge into the river, or off a cliff.

But he unfortunately ends up doing neither of those. Somehow he winds up in Lucy's old apartment. This is the last place he wanted to be. He doesn't know how; maybe he went in through the window, since the door is locked when he rattles the doorknob. 

Despite not wanting to be here, he begins pacing the floor. He looks around the living room at her belongings. He lies in her bed, tears constantly threatening to fall. "Why couldn't she make it back?" His voice is quiet, shaking.

He wants to hold her again. Hear her voice or see her familiar smile again. He would even be grateful just to catch a trace of her scent again. His mind is always playing tricks on him now. Sometimes he thinks he hears her laughing, maybe sees her in the corner of his eye. Sometimes Natsu would even see her dancing out in the streets of Magnolia, moving with the grace of an angel. Maybe she was- Maybe she is an angel. Now, anyway.

"I swear that I can hear you in the wind."

She drove him crazy. In all the right ways, she would've been the death of him. She might still be. Lucy was what coloured the pages of the life he'd made for himself. When he was with her, nothing else seemed to be of significance. Without her, there isn't any colour. The world is grey, lifeless. In the sunset, full of orange and gold and red, only one colour stands out to him now. The colour gold: the colour of the caramel in the ice cream she would always get. The colour of her hair when it reflected sunlight. The colour of her keys. Most of all, the colour of her heart.

He rolls over. "I'm always listening..."