Should Have Known (Camren)

Chapter 29

Everything hurt.

Opening my eyes for the first time each morning hurt because they were sore and bloodshot from crying, but mostly because Lauren's smile wasn't the first sight that greeted me.

Dragging myself out of bed hurt because my whole body ached from fatigue, but mostly because I had to crawl across Lauren's empty spot on the mattress to get my feet on the ground.

Even breathing hurt, probably because my lungs burned from lack of oxygen as I sobbed every night, but I knew it was because there was a gaping hole in my heart that Lauren had left behind.

Everything hurt, but what hurt the most was having to see her every single day and refrain from touching her. On several occasions I found myself staring at her from across the room, wondering how she would react if I simply walked over to her and pressed my lips against her own, but I couldn't. I wasn't allowed to. I had to pretend like everything was okay, like she never meant anything to me, and I found that it was much easier to act as if a huge piece of my heart hadn't been ripped out if I kept my distance. It eventually got to the point where I wouldn't even look at her. I tried not to think about her until I was safely locked away in my room at night and the memories of her were unavoidable, but during the day when there was no way around her I just distracted myself. I wrote music or read a book or listened to Dinah and Normani's ridiculous conversations, and it all became easier. All I needed was a distraction, and I eventually found, nearly two weeks after our break up, that I could go about my daily activities without Lauren clouding my vision.

The memories were still unavoidable. They would sneak up on me when I least expected it- in the midst of a dream after I had finally managed to fall asleep, while crawling into bed and feeling how cold the sheets were without her presence, first thing in the morning when the light filtered through the blinds and her eyes weren't there to reflect the rays. I couldn't stop the memories. I could push the thought of her out of my mind when I caught a glimpse of her at the studio or when we were all gathered around the dinner table in the evenings, but the memories were unavoidable, and so I cried almost every night until I felt nothing and I couldn't cry any longer.

I eventually realized that I only ever thought of her- really thought of her- when I was alone, so I stopped being alone. I invited Dinah to stay the night with me most of the time, or I would occasionally room with Normani, or the three of us would fall asleep on the couch after movie marathons and pizza, and it all became easier. I didn't have to avoid Lauren anymore. I could be two feet away from her and smell her perfume and want to bury my face in her chest and tell her I loved her, but the second I heard Dinah or Normani's voice I was okay. I didn't have to pretend that everything was okay, because we both knew that it wasn't, but I ignored it.

Still, neither of us said more than two words to each other at a time. She would occasionally mutter, "Good morning," when I walked downstairs and she was the only one awake, and I would say it back and then we would separate again. She would nod in approval when I left the booth after the studio and I would just barely smile back at her because that was all I could manage, and that was that. That was our relationship and I eventually learned to accept it.

I'm not going to say it didn't hurt me every single to see her and not be able to hold her, to hear her laughter when she was with Ally and know in the back of my mind that I wasn't the cause. It did hurt, but she didn't care. She had told me that she didn't care, and watching her go about her business with a smile on her face from the very second that we broke up and even after that, I knew it was true. She was okay. I wasn't.

But I ignored it.

It all became easier. We became closer and closer as a group every single day and I tried to remind myself that I had plenty to smile about, and eventually I smiled again. I really smiled nearly two weeks after Lauren broke my heart, and everything fell into place after that. I still felt empty, but it became easier, and I pushed my feelings to the side to the best of my ability.