A collection of me

12/13 11:57p.m.

This is not a story or a poem or anything of the sort. This is simply a way for people to know who I am- or at least who I was. Anyways, that's not really necessary information for you as much as it is for me. To understand why I'm doing this and for me to have a reason to do this. There is no pattern to this by the way so if you have OCD or something you might get aggravated along with grammar Nazis and any thirteen years old who claims they completed honors English amongst one of the highest scoring kids in the class. This will not be for you because I'm typing frantically and without care, for correct sentence patterns and comma splices and that other bullshit this is all strictly thoughts and what I have to say and when I talk I don't think about patterns and stuff. This is as the title a collection of me meaning what I think, what I'm doing, what I'm feeling and what I'm not doing (where those used correctly? Probably not.) It's probably safe for you to assume that I am not well educated. As already discovered in my writing/typing abilities. I was never very smart or quick to grasp a topic in school. I talk a big game but in reality, I'm the dumbest of the dumb and I can prove it (ironically). I'm sure some people have already dismissed this as absolute garbage (which I assure you; it is!) and that's fine because this isn't for them. It's up in the air as to why I'm doing this. I guess so I feel like someone is actually listening because as cliché as this line is it does sometimes feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody hears.

I don't know how to be a good person or how to be nice. I don't think those are learnable traits for a person like me because I always end up back as an unruly. sarcastic, pessimistic bitch. I hate myself as much as anyone else would hate themselves in my position. I can't stop myself sometimes. I'll say things I don't mean and when you say something you can never take it back. I guess there's not much I can say for myself except I'm not trying hard enough. I can't mope though because my boyfriend has it way harder than I do. His family life is awful and he can't get over his ex. He says he's over her but then he'll start talking about her and it's like he's a leaking pipe he just can't stop and it drives me insane because he'll talk about how beautiful she was and about how her beauty was why guys always wanted her and she would cheat. I don't get that is that a normal thing? We were going for a drive like we do often and a song came on the radio and he just burst into tears in my passenger seat and I didn't know what to do. I was confused and hurt and I felt like I wasn't able to help. When the song ended he was still sobbing and looked up at me and explained how that was "their" song and my eyes grew wide. He began talking about her all over again replaying it like a script for a movie. I could see it playing out in his eyes as he talked about her and how he blamed himself. How he loved her and how he did everything for her and she didn't even answer his calls or texts for LITERALLY THREE FUCKING MONTHS AND THEN CALLS HIM AND TELLS HIM TO LITERALLY "GO FUCK HIMSELF". She destroyed him and he said it himself that she didn't understand because all she had to do was pick up the phone to destroy him and that's exactly what she did. He doesn't hate her and I can't blame him because I don't hate her either. The past is the past but yet he won't stop bringing them up to hurt himself all over again. I can't keep picking up the pieces after he mentally destroys himself over someone who would never do anything for him. We had a talk a couple of days ago on one of our famous drives about her again. He mentioned how she was probably a completely different person after she had been diagnosed with Schizophrenia and been put on medication.

I told him (because I'm stupid and I think I know how to help) to talk to her. I told him to message her on Instagram and see how she was doing. He looked at me then out the window and said he didn't even know what to say to her. He said there was nothing to say and I told him he should just ask if she's doing okay. He answers with a question "what if she misses me and she's a better person now?" I sighed and put my elbow on my driver side window seal and pressed my thumb to my jawline and my index finger against my temple and continued to drive "If that happens and you think you can fix things then do it. Leave me and go back to her. Do what you think would be right and what would make you happy. Honestly don't even worry about me as long as you tell me." He looked at me and said that wasn't possible then he went silent and came back with "That's very unselfish of you, but I don't think that would happen." I just sighed and told him anything is possible and he ended the conversation with if he decides to talk to her he'll tell me immediately. I haven't heard anything yet about that. I don't know if he'll ever do it or not. He loves her I know he does and I don't want to stand in the way nor do I want to be a rebound for him to hide behind and pretend to care for when he would still die for her. It's not worth it ..I'm not worth it. He did so much for her and all she did was hurt him she would take her anger out on him and call him awful things and he took it because he wanted her to feel better because he loved her. All I've done is tried to repay him for dealing with that and it's like being treated with respect is a turn off for him or something. He calls her beautiful and talks about how he loved her and if I bring that up he just says that beauty fade. Doesn't he think I'm beautiful? I don't know what the things he was talking about another ex just a week ago and unintentionally said that she was a bigger moron that I am. When he realized what he said he went all wide-eyed and started apologizing frantically like it wasn't something I was supposed to know. I said it was okay and that I didn't take offense but it hurt. It hurt really bad because for some reason I felt like he did mean what he said. I feel like I'm not meeting some standard he has. He claims he doesn't have one but his last girlfriend; who will now be labeled as R, was thin and beautiful with red hair and blue eyes and pale skin with the cute freckles across the cheeks and nose like a damn doll. And the girlfriend before her now knows as B was a curly brown hair girl with a tooth gap. He hates B though so there's not much to say there but R...oh R. She is the pinnacle of perfection apparently. I've scrolled through all three of her Instagram's countless times including the old one that she is apparently locked out of that is full of pictures of her and him now labeled M. These labels are for personal security you know because I don't have any of their permission to use them or their names so no names means no worries especially if you don't know who I am. Anyway, I'm nothing like R. I'm heavy set with brownish blue hair and I'm kind of pale but more pink than pale. I don't have the teeth gap or the thigh gap. I have freckles everywhere but not on my face weirdly enough. I didn't go to school with him until now (we're in college that's why I know him) and I don't know his family life or where he live (I have is address but its literally forever away from me). It doesn't make sense we didn't even talk before we started dating strangely enough. Huh...doesn't seem like I wrote four pages.

Anyway back to how M loves R and hates B but is with me.(Yes I said that because it rolls off the tongue nicely) Okay so other than him obviously still loving R he has depression I don't remember which one he told me a specific one but I don't remember. He's not taking his medication he has a good reason though. He said his parents have issues with taking pills (pill popping basically ) and doesn't want to be like that so he's avoiding drugs and medication. But it's really fucking with him. He'll just quit talking sometimes and lash out and just get really scared but I know it's not his fault so I don't get mad and I try to help him feel better or give him space. One time I just went on a whim because he stood in front of my bed sad as all shit for no reason really so I figured even though he doesn't want me touching him when he's like that to hug him. An instead of lashing out he hugged me back and thanked me. So sometimes I do the right thing even if I am a moron.