A collection of me

12/16 4:30 p.m.

Everything I wrote was deleted and now I'm even more pissed than when I started. He called me last night is what I wrote. I missed it though because I was making a sandwich when he called. Why am I such a fucking loser, seriously!? I can tell I really love him because I never cried because I missed someone unless they were dead and that only happened once when my band director died in an accident which coincidentally the same time I denounced my religion. I've balled my eyes out every night for about three days now. and I've basically stopped functioning as a normal person. I miss him so much...I can't eat, I can't sleep And I'm not proud but I've started doing something wrong again. I don't cut but I like to scratch because it feels the same and the marks go away in two days rather than two weeks. Please don't attempt to lecture me on what I'm doing wrong in my life because it's my life and I didn't ask for help. Why do people give their opinion to people who didn't ask for it? I don't understand why people do that. That's why I stopped trying to give advice because who am I to tell someone how to live when my own life is falling apart. Really why do people do that though? I don't think there's anything wrong with me so I don't think I need anyone's help nor did I ask for it so shove it. Here I go being rude again. I guess people are looking for a different outlook on a situation but don't everyone have the same outlook nowadays? Unless you have a heart of pure gold you must see the negative in a situation, right? Or maybe that's just me being a pessimist. Like how I have unnaturally mean thoughts about B and R.

Actually I got bored earlier and decided to look up B's Instagram (if you don't remember B she was M's first everything). There was nothing there I was just curious if she had one (no I don't harass these girls they're not worth my time). I say there's not a lot to say about B but there is actually a lot to say about her. B is actually the one who ruined M's life first. She started talking about him behind his back after they broke up (because she was cold to him). Everyone believed everything she said. Things like he was abusive and controlling. Just awful things about his character. She made everyone hate him. Honestly I can't believe she was his first everything because she just seems awful. That's when he turned to R who was new and didn't know but quickly became good friends with B who then began to fill her head with these things. Then R when nutzo and started talking about him behind his back roughly the same things but add things like he has a small penis and that it was weird and cheating on him left and right but anyway, R then later completely destroyed his life when she told her mother that M raped her. And poor M got beat for it (literally beat!). He did nothing to deserve that. That's why I keep my mouth shut and stay patient with him. Because I want him to be happy and he doesn't deserve anymore shit. He has made it a point to let me know when I'm fucking up. He told me in the beginning that he wants me to have a voice because in order for us to work we have to be a partnership not a dictatorship (wow what amazing advice from someone who has been through some shit!). I swear he deserves the world. Why he thought those girls would fit into his life I have no idea. I guess he saw something he liked on the surface but it turned out to just be a nightmare. R never cared for him. She turned cold like B and stopped even showing emotion. SHE DIDN'T EVEN SHOW EMOTION DURING SEX ( HIS WORDS NOT MINE, I wasn't there promise.) But I went on her Instagram recently like B's because I'm a crazy stalker and I like to snoop and I noticed she started addressing him indirectly. She said something like "Sometimes I still go to your profile and I look at your pictures and miss you but you're happy so I'm happy." She doesn't get to use those words. She destroyed his reputation alongside B and never cared about him then. I don't care if you're getting better, I don't care what you're doing to fix things but you destroyed him you can't claim you just want his happiness. That's what I want and what I'm fighting to get. You can't have him back I won't let you even if he still loves you he knows he deserves better. He loves you and now that he's getting things back you want to take him back to your cave? If you think I'll let you swoop in and snatch him up and destroy him all over again you have another thing coming because I will be you're undoing. I'm not scared to go to jail. Maybe it's just my insecurities talking but he is really fucking important to me. I don't want to lose him because he's the only one who sees something in me. Who actually believes I'll make it. Because I know I don't believe I will.

Just like I'm the only one who really cares for him. I actually need him and he needs me. IF YOU THINK I JUST LET SOME SPOILED BRAT COME AND WIGGLE HER WAY BACK TO HIM YOU HAVE ANOTHER THING COMING! He means more to me than anything. I love him and he even though he does love you...I won't let you have him. He deserves so much more than anything you gave him. I want his happiness. I actually do want that for him unlike you. All you ever did was use and abuse. You used him as a punching bag when you were having a bad day and he let you because he cared. You're pathetic.