A collection of me

12/18 3:08 a.m.

I think I was a bit hot-headed the other day. I don't hate her honestly, I don't even blame her. Things happen and people do what they think is right. I don't hate her but I do fear her because he still loves her that means everything hangs in the balance as long as she doesn't decide that she actually needs him. I love him too is my problem. What I mean is I'd actually let him go because it's what he wants even if it tears me apart it's all about him...all for him. I can't hold him back that's just not fair. And she deserves happiness so if he makes her happy and he wants to be with her what right do I have to stand in the way? I think I'm just scared of being alone honestly. I don't know what I will do if I end up alone because I let him go. Another thing is I make up problems like this. Yes she does talk to him indirectly through posts but she hasn't reached out to him and I don't believe he has reached out to her then why am I so paranoid?

I have problems I'll admit but they've never been like this. Straight anger, aggression...and a pain I can't even begin to explain...where the hell is it all coming from? Why the hell am I coming apart so quickly? It's not just me worrying about M over break it's been going on even before M was a thing to me. It's always me drifting between perpetual anger and unstoppable sadness. I don't know what it is or what's causing it but I want it to stop it's messing with me. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm not okay with it. Not only that but my ex now labeled as G is trying to come back into my life and I don't know how to make him leave. He want's to get back together and I have already fought with him over ending it back when I met M. I hated myself but I didn't love him and I told him straight but he made it sound like I was trying to hurt him and I wanted the exact opposite. I could have hurt him; that's what M told me to do because G kept making me cry over it. I still hate myself but I can't go back to him not again not anymore. I love M even if I and G were together three years through our director dying and him getting kicked out and me. It doesn't matter he shouldn't hold that against me. I apologize every time and he just seems to get more and more upset every time. If he would just let it go. But I guess I'm not letting go either am I?

Look I'm not a good person at all. But I don't need to be reminded and it's like he has to remind me. M says he's guilt tripping me but I think he's just trying to give me constructive criticism. I keep pulling back though. I'm doing this. It's like there's a bug in me that cant stop and stay still it keeps digging and digging and I cant control myself. I've mellowed out from all this shit. It's the next day 12/20 12:38 a.m. to be exact. I just need to let go is what I've decided. And I have talked to G and agreed to talk to him in a public setting with my friend E present; M is also aware of the meeting that's going to take place. I don't know what the hell is so important for G to want to see me I already told him I'm not going back to him. Even if I and M split I'm not going back to him because we were bad for each other. it's okay though. No worries.