A collection of me

12/14 6:55 p.m.

Nobody listens to me you know? It's like I don't really exist to anyone which is okay I guess because I'll just awkwardly push them away without reason anyway. I shouldn't laugh but I did because it's actually funny to me how people who push away the most want people near them more than anything and it's just really strange to think about. I think everyone is like that though wanting personal space so bad but not knowing how to tell people they miss them or at least that's how I am if that makes any sense. It's been almost a week since everyone went home for Christmas. It's going to be hard and strange being away from M for a whole month he's already made it clear that he doesn't like it. He is not the most economically privileged so I can only talk to him for about 20 minutes over a static phone call once every three days. The holidays are hard for him because they don't have money to really do Christmas and he's not looking forward to New Years because he and R did something last year and he's probably going to be really depressed.

I told him I would help any way I could and he simply said there was nothing I could do like I'm useless or something. I know he doesn't mean it like that but it sounds like that. I take everything he says so literally and he's told me before that I take everything the wrong way and I admit that I do. But come on! Every time he says something it indirectly rude or spiteful towards me. Okay, I'm now updating at 8:16 p.m. still the same day though, am I crazy or something? I feel like that's becoming an increasingly popular opinion amongst peers and acquaintances that were once involved in my life. I don't think I'm who I think I am or who I used to be anyway. Somethings off about me and my surroundings..am I dead? I'm positive I wouldn't spend my afterlife typing up nonsense for no one to read. This is a waste of time, isn't it? Is no one going to actually be interested in this right? Obviously, everyone has something far more interesting to read. Or at least something articulated correctly. I'm waiting for my weekly call from M. It's almost like we're in prison and these are timed calls. It's weird to think about the calls thing and how he used to be for R. He told me he'd walk five miles to his high school during the summer to use their Wi-Fi to talk to her for her just to ignore him. I can't wrap my head around the idea of him giving up a year of his life for a girl who gave nothing in return it's unreal. Sadly, I don't think he's going to call. I'd call him but he uses everyone's phone but his own and I'm not sure which one to call especially if he's busy and can't talk... I just don't want to be a bother honestly. I'll just wait till one a.m. like I have all week. IM NOT TRYING TO SOUND SORRY OR ANYTHING. It's literally what I do not because I feel like I have to but because I want to.

Better late than never I guess. I'd rather get a call at 12:55 a.m. than not at all. I put his Christmas card in the mail today as well so if I can't talk to him at least he'll have that to know I'm still here and I'm thinking about him. I don't think he's thinking about me...I think he's thinking of R and he's just having a hard time dealing with being so close to someone who he loves. (Yes I said loves because I've already covered that he definitely still loves her even though he tells me he doesn't) Is It weird that I don't talk about myself? Dumb question. You've probably gathered all you needed to about who I am. I don't think it's really necessary for you to know all that much about me other than what I tell you subliminally. Hey, do you like Nicole Dollanganger? She's fucking everything! And Steam Powered Giraffe if you know them. That's one thing about me..like most of the world I love music. Guys, I don't know what's going on right now but I'm really tempted to do some sketchy stuff to myself. Don't ask... (not like you will) but just don't look too deep into that. I'm serious though, I'm really freaking out right now. I want to cry but I can't and my heart is racing. Is there something wrong with me? I want to throw up to and I don't know why am I dying? Is this what dying is like? Is there something wrong with me? My head hurts and I feel like a permanent frown etched on my face. I don't have anything wrong with me (diagnosed or confirmed anyway). I'm probably just tired or something. It's almost nine...I don't think he's calling tonight. Oh well...no big deal I guess, there's always tomorrow. I think I'm going to call a quits early tonight...I don't really feel up to being alive. I'll try not to make any rash decisions tonight. (NO IM NOT SUICIDAL KEEP YOUR PANTS ON).