SWIM Book 1 (Complete three-hundred pages)

Day 26.2 Thursday, December 14, 2017

Intimacy is very important to me. I have a lot of love in my body, and I believe I can love more than one person without ever spreading my love too thin. I believe humans are capable of shifting their attention from one person to another with full, undivided love and rage, and I would say that while in this moment I did not think of Jack in the slightest, that having him removed from my mind completely meant that I was not at all cheating on him. It may not sound like it makes sense to you, now at least, but you see, I find myself sometimes being carried away by the smiles of total strangers when I am out in a social place like school. Often times I'm in one class with Jack and the whole room full of students disappears into one big blur except for Jack's hi-definition face with a pink emoji heart around him. Then the bell rings and I go to my next class and there's suddenly a handsome boy who smells nice and sits next to me and suddenly Jack is politely removed from my memory so as not to taint my love for him by mixing my love for him with the carnal desire I feel as this new boy's leg brushes against mine as the professor gives his lecture on human sexuality.

I would argue this case much the same, while though at this very moment I am incapacitated by my tranquilizing hormones for Craig and my body turns to autopilot, the later me will exit that library with a confused heart and a guilty imagination as I sneak into bed besides my lover Jack on the third floor of our shared bedroom and stare eyes wide open at the back of his head as his dark brown hair is washed restlessly by the judging moonlight.

But at that moment, in the library, with Craig, there was nothing important besides the present. No future nor past existed, and my body was the only breathing organism that could comment on this long-awaited union of two bodies, known long and wanted longer. I've known Craig since I was five, which means I've known him four times as long as I've known Jack. Craig has made a significant imprint on my history, and his underdog life, his exquisite perfection as seen by any stranger making a first glance his way, his belief in striving for a better inner journey of the soul in the wake of adversity and severe hardship, his need for friends and emotional connection, and his suffering battle with loneliness, made him irretractable from the wet cement of this kiss.

In my euphoria, I do love him. If love does exist, I would think, without a doubt, this is it. I prefer dates before physical intimacy, and I would say a lifelong friendship such as ours, counts as one. I love his body vertical and horizontal, as we descend to the floor, carpet as soft as he is warm, I fall on a cloud, and feel the restraints of my night shirt, peel off of me, as he sinks in, and I scream inside, for this beautiful freedom.

I didn't even think. . . about how I'd left the door unlocked.