The Parish

Undone

This is a little divvy I wrote after our summer serving the City of Brotherly Love--Philadelphia--in the summer of 2013. 

Back in September, we started praying. 

For our team, for direction, for us in the leadership positions He had placed us in. 

And month by month, week by week, Philadelphia crept closer and closer. 

Before we knew it, it was training week. We were about to spend ten days amongst people we had never met, but knew God had placed on our team for a specific purpose. 

We were anxious. 

But the good kind of anxious: 

The kind that makes you eager to see how exactly this chapter in life was going to go. Anxious for a one-on-one conversation with the Author of our stories. 

What was happening? What would happen next? Would it be good? ....bad? Romantic? Witty? Would the good guy win (yes, of course, but still, there are times you wonder)? Would everyone live happily ever after? 

We wanted the whole story, but He only gave us glimpses-- small sentences of direction and encouragement to keep us headed in the same direction as the two steps before. 

Glorify Him. 

Give him the glory, and the praise. You get none of it, & you're going to be ok with it.

Pray. Pray. Pray. 

And don't ever stop. 

Depend on Him in everything. And because of that, you will look radically different from the rest of the world. 

In every word, every action, every bite of lunch, when you are watched and alone. Depend on Him. 

A few years back, I had a director--the best I've ever had-- place our team under the motto, "Without prayer and an absolute dependence on God, may we absolutely fall flat on our faces." 

So that was my prayer for us this summer. That we would do nothing without not only considering him, but drenching every ounce of every part of camp with Him. 

And oh what a prayer. 

(this is where you chuckle)

I have been swept away by Him in these past eight weeks. 

Swept away. 

During training week, as I began to share my heart for this summer with our team, I realized that I desired a few things from the Lord. 

I desired that He would bring some stories that I saw the beginning and middle of last year to a conclusion. I needed some closure, so I began to pray for that. 

Three weeks ago, we challenged the staff to pray big things for our God is a big God who easily answers big prayers. And so I prayed, "I want to see these things..." things that usually don't happen at camp (or haven't in my experience).

Things like, an adult called to missions. A Painting, construction and yard work leader--someone who rarely sees people--to be a part of a salvation. And lastly, for Him to show up in a large group session in a tangible, undeniable way. 

And like He does so many times, He answered my prayers. 

But He answered them in His way, according to His will. 

And this week my problem has not been handing everything off to him. It has not been completely depending on Him, or praying for the small and the big. 

But the problem has been, "Was it enough?" 

Was what we have done in six weeks in the city of Philadelphia worth anything? 

"Yes!" you say, "Absolutely yes you thick headed girl!" 

And I couldn't agree with you more. 

But it didn't stop the doubt. 

These stories that I have been thrown into the middle of? They have not come to notable conclusions. Why not? What have I done--or not done--that I would not see these ends? 

The answer? 

Nothing. 

Because it wasn't me, ever, all along. 

And that's why I am undone. 

I love this city, but He does too. Even more so than I could ever imagine. 

And if I am completely dependent on Him, then I will believe He will carry His good work on to completion, here. In Philly. At Woodstock. At Carroll Park. At the adult day center where the leader smiled at the gospel for the first time this week. 

He will take care of Mr. Larry while we are gone-- because He has for the last seventy years. 

He knows every child who heard His story by name, and even better- He knows their hearts. 

And that's why I'm undone. 

May as we walk from here, we go in the mindset that everyday, without prayer and a total dependency on God, we would fail. 

And may He take care of what we have left behind, because He was there all along and will continue to be there later. Long after we've gone, even. 

So I'm sitting in worship, and I am watching six people from the homeless shelter raising their hands in a simple declaration of "How He Loves Us, So". 

And that's why I'm undone. 

I'm undone because our painting, construction and yard work leader spoke earlier of continuing a relationship after camp with a man who claims to be agnostic, but has developed a relationship teeming with mutual respect because of who He has wired that leader-- quiet, steadfast, kind and hardworking--to be. 

And because the day after I prayed my big prayers, an adult came to me asking about long term mission opportunities. 

I 
Am
Undone

Why? Because after eight weeks of camp, fifty-five working days of sixteen plus hours, centered around the idea of "Without prayer and a total dependence on God, we would absolutely fail", an absolute come apart at who He is is the only response my very soul can give to the One who saves and sustains us. 

I am undone. 

And it is a good thing.