Summer solstice

I'm On Fire

I'm On Fire

I lay there watching Bella's chest rise and fall, the steady stream of breaths leaving her with a soft little exhale, counting each one. After all, those breaths were numbered and even if I couldn't put a date in my mind yet, the day where her heart would stop was fast approaching. In sleep, Bella looked so peaceful and out of harm's way, out of the dangers of the supernatural world that I had dragged her into. A slight frown creased over my lips as I thought about it. I had exactly dragged her, we stumbled together through this world but the point I had been trying to make was it was my world, not hers. In my heart, the heart that was so cold and still and not full of life like the one that beat to a perfect rhythm, I had known from the first day there was no way for me to be a part of Bella's world but that there would always be a way for her to be in mine.

There were too many things on my mind, blurred visions coming in and out as I changed my mind over and over. Bella was in danger and needed to be changed if I wanted to keep her safe, whole and happy but changing her now would mean depriving her of time with Charlie and Renee and after we staged her faux kidnapping later today, I doubted that either of them would although Bella out of their sight.

That was the other thing weighing heavily on me at the moment. The plan, to me at least, was incredibly illogical. No one in Forks would believe that Bella Swan had been snatched in the middle of the night without a fight, without alerting the town's sheriff who slept in the room over and then just abandoned with no trace of her 'kidnapper'. I had tried to voice my dissent on the plan earlier but Edward seemed to have an answer prepared for me beforehand, which made for an interesting little game. In the end, it was decided that as long as we staged everything the right way, made it so Bella looked worn and battered, mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted, we could have a shot at this. Carlisle had the advantage in being the man who treated her and could fake the charts if needed. I knew my family was just trying to satisfy me, to keep me focused on this problem instead of the fifteen thousand that were piling up behind it but it wasn't working. Every single one of those problems involved Bella and there was just no way for me to not worry and want to solve them.

I let out an unnecessary sigh and allowed my eyes to move from Bella's falling chest down over her face, taking in each little micro expression that flickered over her face while she slept. The amount of times I could just lie her and watch her sleep was numbered as well. The facts were pretty plain.

At some point soon, Bella would stop being human and would become a vampire. A monster like me.

That was why I had to sigh, why the battle over right and wrong raged in my head. I knew that Rosalie and Jaclyn were pacing around just below the bedroom, ready to rush up and take guard over Bella if I could no longer keep my feelings in check. Well, all those feelings sure were working in overdrive at the moment.

Prom. Perhaps prom was the place to do it, or rather the time. We could share one more night, one normal night and memory before I took her life. No. I was saving her life, not ending it. By technicality I knew otherwise but James was a threat and even the wolves could be a threat again. And those damn Volturi were always lingering around somewhere as well. All three of those things were significant dangers to the safety I had sworn to protect and there was no turning back now.

I had also made the mistake of informing Bella of what we were going to have to do and knowing my wife, she would have happily awoke from her slumber to offer me her neck and her eternal life. Was it crazy of me that I wasn't concerned with talking Bella out of becoming a vampire but rather with when the right time was. Surely if the roles were changed, if this were Edward or Rosalie with Bella they wouldn't just give in so easy to the selfish choice. They would have fought harder, created better reasons and arguments. And I, well I gave and was ready to do something neither of them probably ever would.