Now you're back

chapter 6; only ones who know

I grab my bag and bolt to the balcony. I lock it and sit down on one of the chairs. Resting my face in my hands.

I wasn't crying

I was breathing

Alex knocks on the glass door trying capture my attention. I look up and turn the opposite direction, not letting him distract me.

I open my bag and grab my cigarettes.
I light one and place it in my mouth, I breath in and breath out.

The only reason why I smoke is because it's therapeutic, it calms me down. So I usually bring this stuff on the daily cause that's how much of a fucking mess I am.

I look behind me and see Alex sitting on the settee. Playing the guitar. I put my ear to the glass, I can sort of hear it but barely.

I put out my cigarette and unlock the door slowly, carefully opening it, trying not to interrupt him.

I lean onto the doorframe of the glass door, close my eyes and listen. He's singing so slowly so passionately. Almost like he was singing with his emotions not his head.

"In a foreign place... the saving grace was the feeling.. that it was a heart he was stealing oh, he was ready to impress and the.. fierce excitement. The eyes were bright.. he couldn't wait to get away"

I don't cry, surprisingly.

I wasn't needing to cry either. There was no need to do so. I didn't really feel any emotion bubbling. I didn't feel anger nor sadness. I was emotionless yet.. almost relaxed.

But I was drifting away into thought, getting pulled into the crazy-ass mind that is my own.

I start to hear him crumble. Not emotionally but, through words. Actions. He was singing slower and slower. I can hear his voice crack up. I can hear him miss strings on the guitar.

I open my eyes to see his face. I can't describe what expression he had. I can't even say what expressions there could of been.

He put his guitar down and place his face in his hands.

He then rubs his eyes and gets up. He looks up to the glass door and stops. His eyes giving off guilt.

I lock on to his eyes, staring extremely deeply into him while he mimics my actions.

I gesture for him to come onto the balcony, he nods and sits down on the chair opposite me. I go and sit down, we still haven't even exchanged words yet.

"It's gorgeous tonight huh?" I look up to the stars and then look at him.

His arm was resting the back of the chair and his leg plopped in the other.

He was looking up at the sky. He wasn't thinking of an answer, he wasn't even realising where he was or what he was doing.

He was drifting off somewhere that isn't here. Then he snaps back and pulls himself together.

"Oh uh sorry about that"

He turns his entire body to my direction, putting his elbow in his leg. He raises his brow at me expecting an answer.

"Not a problem" I lay my back on the chair and head falls back.

"Why can't you admit it mags?"

I put my head upright and look over awkwardly.

"Go on"

I start to play with my fingers and struggling to get the answer out my mouth.

"Because Alex-"

I turn to face him and he's raising his brow.

"You broke me"