THE HIP-HOBBIT: THE PREQUEL SEQUEL

The Hip-Hobbit: The Prequel Sequel

parody by Jacob F Rosenberg

based on the Hobbit by J.R.R Tolkien

Last time we saw Yolo and Hobo they had finished their first few days on the cruise. But now four Lawyers led by Ben Stein and two mysterious hooded figures, have snuck onto the S.S Edmund Titanic Hindenburg Fitzgerald. They now plot in the very back of the ship to decide their next move. So here's my idea said Ben Stein, me and my team will get a layout of the ship and get the manifest so we know what room the Swaggins are staying in. Meanwhile the two of us will set up bombs in the engine room if things don't go well your way. said the tall hooded man. Agreed.

Meanwhile Hobo and Yolo were on the front of the ship by the swimming pool when they saw a familiar elf suntanning. Leglolas? said Yolo. Yolo? said Leglolas. They shook hands. Holy crap man, didn't know you were on this cruise too! said Yolo. Yeah i hadn't planned on it originally but i kinda have to lay low for a while. said Leglolas. How come? said Yolo. You remember that Donald Trump guy i shot with an arrow on the Bill Gates? yeah. Well turns out not only did he survive his injuries but he also went on to become president of the united states. Holy smoke! Yeah so i'm just waiting til the heat dies down. Good to see you Leglolas said Hobo. Who are you? said Leglolas. Im Hobo. Oh neat, hey Yolo check out these special arrows i've been developing! Why do you need special arrows? I figure every great bowman needs special arrows said Leglolas, This is my taser arrow! He fired it straight into the air and out of sight. I didn't see it come down said Yolo. Huh well i hope that doesnt hurt anyone said Leglolas. Hey wait Leglolas, do you seriously not remember me? said Hobo. Should i? We went on an adventure and you captured us! Still not sure said Leglolas. Fine i'll tell the story but i'm gonna start way in the past for some reason. 12 months before our heroes were dropped off by the Nyan cats, Dumbledalf journeyed to the Raving Steed to find Oak Thorn-Shield. Dumbledalf went up to the bar when a man pulled at his shoulder. He doesn't like you. Are we seriously doing this bit? said Dumbledalf. I don't like you either said the man. Before Dumbledalf could hit the man with his staff, the man's arm was sliced by a shining light. The man picked up his arm and ran out of the club. Dumbledalf looked over and saw the man who helped him. He wore pink robes, his hair was swooped over to one side while the other half was bald. His hair was rainbow dyed and a blonde goatee. His staff had a white unicorn head on top with a glowing horn. Hello Fickmias. Dumbledalf! said Fickmias, so what are you doing tonight? Same thing i do everyday pinky, try to save the world. Neat, how you gonna do that? said Fickmias. Well im looking for Oak Thorn-Shield, i heard he works here. Yeah he does, he's catering at that table. Dumbledalf saw Oak taking orders from two men, one much fatter than the other. Hello im Oak and i'll be your server tonight, what do you want? have two number 9's, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45's one with cheese and a large soda. said the fat man. And you sir? said Oak. I don't want any. Come one CJ eat, ya pansy! said the fat man. I said i don't want any! CJ flipped the table and stormed out. What's his deal? said Oak. He's just upset because all he had to do was follow the damn train. Dumbledalf went up to Oak. Oak Thorn-Shield? whos asking? said Oak. Im Dumbledalf and i've come here to warn you. What do you mean? Look at this, it's black speech. Oak read the note " YO YO whoever busts a cap in Oak Thorn-Shield. reward tree fiddy" Oh my said Oak, that's concerning. Yes indeed, now look at this bounty letter from Moardoor. "For whoever brings the hand of Oak Thorn-Shield. Reward 350 gold." why are you showing me all this? said Oak. But before Dumbledalf could respond, Fickmias came between them. So you're the guy he's been looking for, wanna see a magic trick? sure said Oak. Fickmias picked up a fork and blew on it. The fork then curved. Whoa, how'd you do that? said Oak. Oh you wanna make something not straight? you just blow it, right Dumbledalf said Fickmias. Dumbledalf facepalmed and spoke under his breath "It was one time in wizard college" look Fickmias. Dumbledalf said aloud, can you go to the bar or something i have to talk with Oak in private. Fine, i'll just go get myself a ginger ale. Now where was I said Dumbledalf,oh thats right. Oak there's a price on your head and you could be killed any day. What's your solution? said Oak. Well since you have really nothing to lose i say this is a golden time to take back your home. Errorbor, You're joking right? said Oak. Come on either you die trying to take Errorbor or die as a waiter. said Dumbedalf. Oak looked down at his Raving Steed apron then tore it off himself. I'm in. Good now we'll need a team said Dumbledalf, the journey will be perilous. I know some guys, they're loyal. Good now we'll just need transport. The two went to a small booth and talked with a red headed irishmen sitting next to a creature that looked like a soaked mop. Im Sam Quartet and this is my co-pilot Soggy. BLARF. said Soggy. So what do you two want? said Sam Quartet. We are aware that you are the owner of the only ship in the world "The Aluminum Pigeon" and we need you to fly us to the Anti-social Mountain. No dice beard guys you don't look like the type of guys that pay up front. But there's gold in the mountain said Oak, we can pay you when we get there. BLARF! Soggys right you'll have to find somebody else. They left the booth. By the way if you see a guy named Guido, you tell him i shot first said Sam Quartet. Well i suppose we'll have to do this journey the hard way by walking said Dumbledalf. Fickmias stopped them at the door. Dumbledalf because you've never gone on an adventure that wasn't dangerous, take this flare gun. That's an exaggeration said Dumbledalf. Dumbledalf in wizard college we went for a snack run and ended up as fugitives said Fickmias, just use this flare gun, i'll see it and come with as many wizards as i can. Thank you Fickmias, now Oak for my plan we need to do one more thing. Meet me and the others in Jersey Shire. We need a burglar.