A Reason To Breathe

A Heartbreaker

People seem to define depression as some kind of illness that makes others feel lonely and worthless. I sometimes feel as if I'm depressed; I always stay away from people, even those who are trying to help me. 

I like to write stories; stories about a variety of lives that a variety of girls I wish I could be live out for me. They live happily ever after, they find their "someone". I imagine them as tall perfectly shaped women with perfect features, perfect clothes, perfect friends... Everything. They're the perfect versions of myself I want to be.

I'm bullied a lot, quite often if you were to ask me. They don't understand me, who I truly am. They call me stupid, but they've never seen my grades. They call me fat, but they don't know how much I weigh. They call me "pig", but they've never seen me eat. They call me "slut", but they don't know how many relationships I've been in.

People think I'm lying whenever I tell them that I'm depressed; they see me as some happy, bubbly girl that's always cheerful, but on the inside, I'm full of thoughts of suicide, hate, and sadness.

The only time I cry and she'd a true, actual, real tear is when I'm alone. Alone is when there's no one around to judge you, when no one is there to push you down.

Do you remember what it felt like to be young? When there was never a thought about what it would be like to be dead. Those were the good days. Now there are only the bad days. They happen to everyone, but they're different for me. It feels like there's absolutely no way of escaping a bad day, and there's really no way of explaining it other than that there's no difference between a bad day and a terrible day. One day, everything may feel perfect, but the next...it feels as if things couldn't get any worse.

We are all pieces of what we remember. We hold it in  ourselves the hopes and fears of those who love us. As long as there is love and memory, there's no true loss.

I'm told this often: "You're a heartbreaker " and this is true in many ways. Because freely we love, as in our will. To love or not, in this we stand or fall. There are memories that time does not erase. Forever does not make loss forgettable, only bearable.

Promise to stay beside me for as long as I live, which will either be a very long, or very short, amount of time. When this world is sealed, I will not just be invulnerable, I will live forever. And behold, I am alive for evermore, and have the keys of Hell and death.

You know why you're here, don't you? Because of me. You always knew I hadn't gone away forever. I told you what would happen, I spelled it out for you.

I dream sometimes, of a boy with green eyes, a boy who was never poisoned with demon blood, a boy who could laugh and love and be human, and that is a boy I wept over, but that boy had never existed. I was soft, yet strong in his arms, my hair tickling his face, and holding me he'd felt normal, wonderfully normal, like any teenage boy in love with a girl.

He's all I see...it destroyed him. Death was instantaneous. Dead. Everything in this world is dead and burned to dust. I could see a city; with towers made of bone and blood ran through the streets like water.

The wishes of our hearts are weapons that can be used against us. And then I was alone, with the smoking remains of the candle, and the horrible weight of my guilt.

Ill never pause again, never stand still, till either death has closed these eyes of mine, or fortune has given me the measure of revenge.

Temper me in fire, and I'll grow stronger. When I suffer, I survive. If I cannot reach Heaven, I'll raise Hell.