Blue Christmas

Chapter 12- "Dad?"

A few days later.

Zeke and I walk through a garden at some funeral home in Arizona. "How's your memory?"

I shrug, "there are still some things that I don't remember very well."

Zeke bends down and rubs his hand across some yellow flowers, I crouch next to him. "Are you sure you shouldn't be helping your mom?"

"She's got it all figured out Zeke, her OCD won't let me do anything." 

I bend down and pick one of the flowers, "my dad loved it here, we always came here for winter break. Not because we had family down here, just so that we could get away from all of the snow and problems and," I let my voice trail off as the warm wind whips my long hair around. I feel Zeke place a hand on my shoulder, "I can't even look at myself in the mirror without having an anxiety attack, I look too much like my dad. I'm surprised I'm even able to come here."

"Your doctor can't tell you that you're not allowed to go to your dad's funeral."

I stand up and brush the front of my dress off. "What time did my mom say we have to be back? I'm sorry, I can't think of it right now."

"It's fine," he gets up and stands by me, a flower in his hand. He places the flower behind my ear and looks at his phone, "we need to be back in twenty minutes."

I look over at the funeral home and grip my necklace. Zeke grabs my hand and we make our way back to the funeral home, "every time I asked him why he loved here so much, all he said was, 'it fits.' What the heck is that supposed to even mean?"

"Are you going to give a speech at the funeral, I know your mom was talking about it on the way here."

"I don't know, I want to, I really do, but I don't want to risk going back to the hospital."

"You can't let that control your life. You had a really bad anxiety attack once. That doesn't mean you'll have one every time you freak out."

"I don't want to risk anything!"

Zeke lets go of my hand and rubs his temples, "I'm not going to let this one fear control your entire life."

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry."

"Your dad would've wanted you to talk. You were one of the closest people to him, you two were the same person. You know what he would've wanted to say. You were one of the last people he talked to before he died."

"I was?"

"The Skype call, Ally!"

I glare at Zeke, "I know it gets annoying that I have to ask about the smallest things, but you don't need to get annoyed with it every single time I ask! You could be a good boyfriend and help me through this! You don't need to get annoyed every single time I ask about-" before I can finish, Zeke places his lips on mine and pulls me close.

He pulls away from me and smiles, "better?"

"For now, but don't get annoyed with me again. Don't show it at least."

~~~

I finish putting tablecloths on tables and run to the meeting hall. I awkwardly take a seat between my mom and Zeke as I listen to one of my dad's bosses speak, "Mr. Johnson was a wonderful medic. He was always there whenever one of the others needed help. I remember this time when he got cut, it wasn't deep, but he was bleeding. Anyways, he wouldn't put a bandage on it until he was done sewing a thumb back on to one of our soldiers who could not attend the funeral today." The guy standing in front of the closed casket takes a deep breath and continues to talk, "I do have some words that the other soldiers wanted me tell everyone here today." I zone out and look around at all of the faces sitting around me, a lot of people that I didn't even recognize. I was close to my dad, but not his family, he never talked about his brothers or sisters, or his parents, he just pretended they didn't exist.

I snap out of it when my mom touches my shoulder and motions to the podium, "your turn."

I smile and nervously walk up to the podium. I look at the crowd of people before me and take a deep breath. "My dad was a really fun guy. He always put everybody else's needs before his own. I remember, and I'm not sure how, but when I was little, we would go out on these father-daughter trips to the park and Arby's and anywhere you could think of. He would always end up getting a call, causing him to drop our day, but it never made me mad or sad, I knew he was saving lives." I take a deep breath and close my eyes, "the day he told my mom and I that he had decided to be a medic for the army, I cried and cried and cried and cried. I ran into his arms and balled my eyes out." I feel a tear form in my eye and wipe it away, "sorry." I pick myself up and continue, "the day he left, I wrapped myself around his legs and screamed, 'Dad! No! You can't leave me!' He pulled me from his legs and calmly told me, 'this isn't the last time you'll see me,' and it wasn't. My boyfriend managed to set up a Skype call with him and it made me the happiest person in the world, it gave me hope." I grab my necklace, "the next day, I was told that my dad died, I had a really bad anxiety attack and spent a while in the hospital, wondering where my dad was." I let out a soft cry, "I have short-term memory loss and really bad anxiety attacks when I look in the mirror, it's a miracle that I'm not having one right now, and that I'm even remembering these things. I can only hope that he's happier now, but it still hurts to know that he's gone. Thank you." I walk away from the podium and start to cry, I walk past Zeke and my mom and head outside. I run and run, hoping no one comes after me. 

I stop when I get to the flowers that Zeke and I were looking at before we went back to the funeral home. I sit down and wipe cry, letting my tears hit the sand, the wind making my hair go crazy. I hear footsteps beside me, "go away," I mumble.

"What's got my little girl so down," I hear an echoey voice say.

"Dad?" 

I turn around and see a transparent version of my dad, "it's me Ally."

I smile and go to hug him, but end up going through him. I frown, "what am I doing, your dead."

His figure smiles at me, "it's not a lie, but I'm never going to leave you. I'll always be right here, making sure your okay." I look at the ground and start pulling up flowers, "don't be like that. I loved the speech you made."

I smile, "thank you." 

"I love you Ally." I feel a sudden burst of wind and wrap my arms around myself. I turn around and see a shadow where my dad's figure used to be. I look at it and smile.