non updates

i felt it and didn't know it

Guys. When I wrote the last update, I didn't realize what I was feeling..... I wasn't having an anxiety attack like I thought. I was feeling Jonghyun die. I felt every minute of it..... And let me explain what I mean because this was not an ordinary anxiety attack:

I felt the moment he got sad, it slowly started to numb me, I couldn't feel emotions, he was so absolutely determined to do it, I could feel that too. I began to feel dizzy, that must've been when he closed the doors and started burning the coal. When the carbon monoxide poisoning starting setting in I felt my chest being squeezed, like my ribs were fingers and they we're just squeezing me. Then I just layed on my bed drowsy for a while and stared at the ceiling and fell asleep. I technically died with him, only I fell asleep, and woke back up. Guys, I feel so god damn horrible. If I lived in Korea and it had been me he sent that text to I could have stopped it. Why I was chosen to feel his last hours idk, but I didn't know what was going on at the time. You guys I'm freaking. I'm freaking so hard...