The first time I'd met him was the beginning of something incredible. I had found the guy I'd wanted to know more about and love. I felt he was I guess you could say, the one. I'd never met someone so set on gaining another's attention. I'd never met someone so determined to receive affection back. He'd had my affection and attention since day one. Little did I know he'd end up leaving. He'd leave for the piece of ass he lusted for before me. He'd leave thinking she would treat him right when in the end she didn't give him anything. He yearned after her and she took it for granted; not yearning back.
During this time I would've moved on, to a relationship I thought for 100% sure was destined to last, but actually didn't. I fooled myself. I fooled myself into thinking I was fine and didn't need him. I fooled myself into thinking he hadn't hurt nor phased me and everything was like it was before we'd met. I had fooled myself into thinking I was in love. That was my biggest mistake. I knew one day he'd realize I was the right choice and I'd give him all that I could. I would give him chance after chance to prove that I was the one he wanted. He failed me each time. I would do everything to keep the relationship and love alive and there. How was one or I supposed to know that whether I believed it or not, it was fading away. And faster than I could catch up with.
When he would finally come back around, I would still be the same. He had realized she wasn't what he wanted; I was. Of course for the entire relationship I'd throw up in his face those exact actions of him leaving when things would get tense between us. At first by a joke but serious the more I said it. I finally told him, it'd hurt me. Things didn't change however. He pretended as though his actions hadn't happened. Like he hadn't left me and like I was everything he ever wanted. Was he trying to pretend she never happened? What would that mean for me when the same time came around for me to no longer be good enough in his eyes? Would he pretend I never happened?
There was one thing that would replace every piece of every materialistic object he had. I was the new materialistic object; belittled and unaware. Eight months down and I would soon realize I was just that; an object. A space filler. Eye candy, if you'd even call it that. He wanted the same freedoms of a single boy while we were together. That's not right is it? How was I supposed to keep him from it when no matter what I tried, I failed.
He wouldn't listen, he'd never listen. He'd always be that same boy, looking for the next way out. I was just looking for love. Someone to actually care. Someone I could trust. He wasn't it. He was almost like a figment of my imagination. If it hadn't been for his constant contact with other girls, I would've almost thought I'd gone crazy because it sometimes seemed like he was never there. He didn't act like he was.
When I would break down he would say it's okay. Wasn't there more? Why was this not comforting? How was I supposed to fix myself when I didn't have any support? I wasn't. I would stay broken. Waiting, hoping for someone to care to spend the time and the energy supporting to fix me. Wold that day ever come? Did that person exist? Didn't feel like it.
