Letting Go

Chapter 2: Regret

Apologies for the long delay!  I've had a lot of things going on for a while and haven't been able to find time to work on the book until now.  But anyways, I'm back for now, so enjoy chapter 2!

-dontcomein-

Juliet stiffly opened the door to her house, face hot with the cascade of tears rolling down her cheeks.

Lassiter's dead.

Lassiter's dead.

Lassiter's dead.

Shawn shut the door behind them and swung Jules off her feet and into his arms.  She burrowed her head into his shoulder as he carried her upstairs to her bedroom.  He softly laid her on her bed and tucked the covers around her.

"I'll make you some tea."

Juliet nodded, expression blank, staring at the ceiling.

--

The tears hadn't come yet.  Shawn didn't know what had come over him.  One of his closest friends, well, one of his closest aquaintences had just been murdered by a psychopath and he hadn't cried yet.  He wasn't sure how to feel.  He knew he was sad, and angry, and hurt, but it wasn't showing.  He remained expressionless, though his emotions were a whirlwind inside him.

Shawn blindly shuffled around the kitchen as he prepared the tea.

"Yo Lassifrass!" Shawn calls as he enters the station with Gus.

Lassiter looks up from his desk with an annoyed expression on his face.

"What is it now, Spencer?" Lassie said, monotonously. 

Shawn smirked as he made his way to Lassie's desk.

"I'm picking Jules up for our dinner date, duh."  Shawn said.  "What?  She didn't tell you?  Maybe because she didn't want you hooking me up to a lie detector.  Again."

Lassie glared at him.

"O'Hara's shift doesn't end for another hour so why are you here so early?"

"To do what I usually do.  Say hello, aggrevate you, pick up snipits on cases I'm not on then get myself on them."  

Lassiter rolled his eyes.  "Suit yourself."

Just this morning they were playing around like always.  Shawn would've never thought that something like this could've happened so fast.

He poured the water into the kettle and turned on the stove.  He picked out a lemon teabag and put it in Jules' mug.

If only I could've picked up something that would've hinted he'd be investigating that case tonight, Shawn thought to himself.  He mentally slapped himself.  Stupid, you could've saved his life.  Why can't you be observant when you need to more often.

The tea kettle whistled and Shawn took it off the burner to pour Jules' tea.

"Ready for our date tonight?" Shawn cooed as he snuck up behind Jules and kissed her neck.

"Totally," she said with a smile.  "Let me just grab my coat from my desk and I'll meet you out in a second."

Shawn smiled at her and made his way outside, but got distracted with the donut display on the coffee table.

Jules walked over to her desk and waved to Lassiter, who was passing by.  "Got anywhere special you're going tonight?" She asked him.

He smirked.  "Nah, just gonna wrap up a few things here at the station and maybe check out that warehouse case tonight for fun."

Jules rolled her eyes.  "You have fun with that."  She grabbed her coat and walked over to Shawn.  "Will you put those down!  We have a date tonight and I don't want your face all covered in powdered sugar."

Lassiter did say he was going there!  God dammit Shawn, you just had to miss that small detail.  He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he didn't notice the tea overflowing out of the mug.

"Shit," he mumbled as he grabbed a washrag from under the sink and began to mop up the mess.

--

Jules was wrapped in Shawn's arms sipping her tea when there was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it," Shawn murmured as he loosened his arms from Jules' waist.  He walked to the front door, looked through the side window only to see Gus standing there impatiently.  Shawn immediately opened the door, only to be engulfed in a hug.

"How's Juliet?" Gus asked as Shawn closed the door.

He sighed.  "She's coping the best that she can.  Lassiter was her partner.  I think it's gonna be a while before she fully recovers."

Gus nodded.  "How about you?"

Shawn looked at him, opening his mouth to say something but then closing it as if the words he was going to say didn't seem right.

"I haven't cried yet Gus.  I don't know why.  I don't know what's wrong with me."

Gus hugged him again.  "It'll come.  Maybe not right away, but it'll come eventually."

Gus decided to stay the night.  He thought that it would be a good idea for all of them so they might get a little bit of sleep rather then none.  He bunked out on the couch, Shawn and Jules in their bedroom.

--

It was around four thirty in the morning, and Jules still couldn't sleep.  Her mind was consumed with thoughts about Lassiter.

She looked over at Shawn, who was cuddling a blanket, fast asleep.  She exhaled and quietly made her way out of bed.

She tiptoed to the kitchen careful not to wake Gus, although she knew that that wouldn't be a problem.  Her eyes were adjusted to the darkness already, for she hadn't slept yet, so she easily found the knife compartment and took out a small but sharp cutting knife.  What am I doing?  She thought.  

Jules made her way to the bathroom and locked the door behind her.  She sunk down to the floor.  Her mind was racing with a million thoughts at once, but all her eyes were focused on was the knife in her hand, inches away from her wrist.

Cut.

It wasn't an easy desicion to make.  She thought about what she would lose if she did this: Shawn, her job, her life.

Cut.

Lassiter was one of her dearest friends.  She wasn't sure if she would ever be able to do her duty properly with a differenct partner.

Cut.

She started crying.  She was so lost and she knew that she would regret this later, but what other choice did she have?  She hated to admit it, but her job is much more important to her than her boyfriend.  If she can't do her job the same way with someone else as she had with Lassiter, what was the point?  She loved Shawn dearly and with all heart, but she couldn't see any other way around it.

"I'm sorry Shawn."  She wimpered.  "Goodbye," She sunk the blade into her wrist, tears streaming down her face as she slowly let herself be taken into the darkness.

Goodbye.