A Court of Blood and Glory

Ghosts

           

Feyre

I cried all night. I cried for the dead, for the ghosts that would be alive if not for me.
Andras. The death that started all of this. Clare Beddor and her family. People I'd condemned to death when I gave Rhys a name. The two fae I killed to save Tamlin. Lucien. One of my only friends from this place. My child. My unborn child that died because of my stupid desire to help, to put myself in danger. And now my sister. Elain, who I could have saved if I had forced them to leave the continent, or if I'd never come back from Under the Mountain, if I'd died a human death and remained in the darkness beyond.
But then I wouldn't have met the real Rhys, wouldn't have met my true family, the ones that protected me and who I protected in turn. And some selfish part of me was glad of the deaths, because they had brought me closer to the ones I loved. The ones who I was willing to do anything to protect.
So the moment dawn broke over the tree tops I got up, determined to finish healing the bond and start destroying this festering court.

Xxx

I went to my sister's room, one near my old room, and knocked lightly. I heard footsteps on the other side of the door before Nesta's voice was heard through the wood.
"What do you want? I must have said a thousand times to leave me alone." She shouted, the rage and grief all too raw in her voice.
"Nesta," I said softly, "it's me. It's Feyre." She cracked the door open a fraction in order to see me, and I noticed the dark circles under her puffy eyes. She'd stayed awake all night too, then, crying.
"What do you want?" She asked me, a little softer but not by much. She would never be nice to me.
"I want to talk to you. Please." She looked me up and down, scrutinising every last detail of my appearance, from my ribs beginning to show through my dress, to the tattoos that covered my once bare skin. She didn't say anything, but she did open the door wide enough to let me in.
"What?" She demanded, clearly not happy to have anyone in her room.
"I just needed to know that you are ok." I said, knowing how stupid it sounded.
"Oh I'm wonderful dear sister. Never better. I'm just hanging out in the house of my enemy whilst trying to figure out ways of punishing them for my favourite sister's death whilst staring at a fae beast wearing my other dead sister's skin." I didn't care that I was dead to her, that I was a monster, and that she hated me. I just had to know that she was coping with this, able to keep going and not give up.
"I want them punished too." I said weakly, knowing that my words would fall on deaf ears.
"When will your High Lord rescue us?" She asked me, and I knew she didn't mean Tamlin.
"He won't. Not until I tell him to." I said, trying to avoid giving anything away. The walls had ears.
"Well tell him to. I need to get out of this place, this land, and find somewhere safe for me to lie low throughout this war. As far away from you and your kind as possible."
"Where is father?" I asked, realising she hadn't mentioned him.
"Dead. He died when they came and took us. He put up a good fight, but these fae were stone cold killers and took him out before he could land a blow."
Dead. Even though my father and I never saw eye to eye, he was still my father.
Dead. Just another name to add to the list of ghosts from my past.
Just another death to avenge.

           

Xxx

Once I was done with Nesta I locked myself in my painting studio and built up the bond, brick by brick. Rhys was there. He was helping me, building his side, connecting the bridge.
I sat there in that room, healing the bond, but not just with dawn's gift. I used my memories, used the darkness, pushed everything I was with Rhys into that bond, forcing it to heal, forcing it to become stronger than before.
Pushing. Building. Healing.
Until I felt the final piece fall into place, felt my thoughts swirl into my mates. And I could finally answer his last words uttered to me.
I love you too, Rhys.

           

Rhysand

Those words. Those words uttered down a newly forged bond. A mating bond.
Feyre darling, I miss you so much.
As I miss you, Rhys.
My mate. I was talking to my mate once more. And all of the darkness I'd surrounded myself in disappeared, all shadows washed away by the light in my heart.
Sensing the change, Azriel fell through the door, realising that the darkness had left the room. "What is it? Is it Feyre? Is everything alright?" He said, too quickly for me to answer. We were all dealing with Feyre's absence in different ways, and I noticed how everyone faired as they walked into my shattered room.
Mor had the distinct smell of alcohol around her, and Amren smelt of blood. Azriel had been locked away in shadows like me, trying to heal his body as fast as possible, and from what I could tell Cassian had been training himself to the limits in an attempt to get himself back to his strength before his injuries. Was this how they spent those fifty years without me around? It was worsened by the state of the Illyrians, whose wings were too frail to use, and whose bodies were too injured to work properly. I looked at my family once more. We were all so broken, so destroyed by the absence of my mate that we could barely function properly.
"It's Feyre." I breathed. "The mating bond is healed."
Everyone had relief in their eyes, and I saw tears fall down their cheeks, even Amren's. "Is she ok?" Mor asked me.
Are you ok my love?
Physically, yes, but I need to get out, preferably leaving a heap of smouldering ruins behind me.
I felt her shields snap up, cutting off our conversation, but she was ok, she was alive, and it was enough.
"She's physically fine, but I can tell that she is struggling mentally. We need to get her out of there soon."
I grazed my mental claws along her shields, letting her know that I wanted to talk, and she left a crack open for me to see what was going on.

Tamlin knocked on the studio door.
"Feyre, my love, are you ok in there? I think we need to talk." He said softly but firmly, telling me - telling Feyre – that she was to do as he asked. Feyre walked over to the door and unlocked it slowly, forcing herself to appear weak and broken, although it wasn't as difficult as normal.
"What is it Tam?" She asked, tears slipping down her cheeks. He put his hands on her shoulders, pulling her into his body, and held her there for a few moments before kissing her hair. It was disgusting.
"I want to help you through this, want to make sure you heal in time to save Nesta." I felt Feyre stiffen, and I could tell she dreaded his next words. "I want to try again tonight, try to get those images of Rhys out of your head. I think that once we can be together properly you will be able to do as asked by the King without any issues." He wanted to bed her, to claim her, and by the sound of things he'd already tried.

I pulled out of her head and waited, needing to know what she wanted. I could get her out of there now if she asked, bring her back to Velaris before night fall But then so could she, which meant that she was planning something, had a reason to stay.
And even though every part of me was screaming to get her out, I respected her choices. So I sat back down and recounted every detail to my family.
And I waited.
And waited.
And waited.