An IU x GD fanfic.
Here they are playing their own persona as the singer IU and BIGBANG GD that we know.
This is their conversation, their interaction, and their newly found comfort around each other.
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GD POV
Hiraeth (Welsh)
(n) a homesickness for a home you can't return to, or that never was
I just landed from my flight to Seoul from Jeju. Monsant is running fine and I never get tired of ethereal reflection of sunset on its glass walls. Sometimes I thought that it looked too perfect it's unfair. Xin is walking ahead of me and take his luggage. He always has more luggage than me. That being said, I always have more luggage than any of BIGBANG combined. But he, ckckck.
Xin wants us to hang out with Chaerin and crew. She's here in Korea after spending some months in the US. I miss her so fucking much, she's my rock and I want to talk to her about Kiko, about this soul stretching career, about her album, and about this new sun that is my whatever-you-name-it relationship with Ji Eun. I supposed to say yes but Ji eun's call last night make me weary. So I say No. Xin looked at me sideways and talk in a judging note, "You got some girl to go home to, fuckboy?"
For some other people, that may come across rude, I agree. But I got a special discount for Xin. Besides, he cope up with any kind of mess and mood swings that I made in Jeju. And yeah, he's partly right. Nowadays, I sort of got no home to come back to, even my parent's. Well, technically, that is my parents' home, not mine. But yeah, you know what I mean. No, you're not.
Okay, for me, home can be a person. I used to think Chaerin is my half-home. She knows half of my life, more than Kiko and both of them knows it and not showing any kind of rejection, ever. Kiko is my sun that keeps me alive and I need sun above my home. But Chaerin is not Kiko and Kiko is not Chaerin and I don't want to change both. No, I regret to think I can change Kiko to adapt that homey side of Chaerin. It's when I try to make the girl in our head real in the form of Kiko that the true trouble comes. And the true trouble goes on and on for years, it became a snowball at one point and crash. And I'm tired, weary, and all my feelings disappeared.
So yeah, look at me and learn from my experience. But Ji Eun, she's a special case. My brain said that I haven't reached the stage that I want her to be my home, she's not even knowing half of my life like Chaerin does. But fuck, my heart, this little thing that beats inside me felt a rare case of homesickness to meet her yet, she's never my home to begin with.
"I have a home that my heart want to go to, Xin. See you at the party."
That's cheesy, I know. That's why I just walk out from the scene while hearing Xin fake-dry heaving behind me.
I took a taxi and arrive in front of the building of my Sogyeo-dong studio. I enter my password and go inside to see she's lying on the sofa, staring blankly at the TV screen, almost lifeless. I gave her the s password of this sanctuary, I want her to have a place to run to, even though it's not her home. She's in a deep shit for the past month, I know better from anyone else that a somewhat unknown place is a place to go. Heck, she probably knows it too, Cindy went to Ra PD's apartment when she's in a deep shit. She played Cindy. She's now that Cindy.
"Hi."
"Hi Oppa," she said. She is trying to smile but miserably failing at that. Ji Eun-ah, what has gotten into you?
"Don't move just to greet me. Stay like that if you're comfortable."
"Now I can't even be polite to this studio owner?"
"You're joking now?"
She giggles, look down at herself and get her eye back to the tv screen.
And, oh, she is broken, through and through. She hid it well, but I knew from personal experience that once you try to look that you had put the pieces back together, even though you're confident that you might look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall. Her eyes as if searching, to look around and remember that the world made sense, that some things fell apart so better things could fell together.
"It's so weird how that can be, how could you have a year that's the worst in your life, but to everybody else it's just an ordinary year."
"To quote Chaplin, you see Ji Eun, Life is a tragedy when seen in close up, but a comedy in a long shot."
"Even if it meant that I had failed as a producer for my first self-produced album, I'm glad. And if what i'd wanted had been impossible from the start, still there was a certain lonely comfort in the fact that I'd known it was impossible and had gone ahead and done it anyway. Besides, my company supports it, supports me."
I'm glad you're never a fatalist I conclude. "Ji Eun-ah, in making art as a piece of inheritance of our supposedly personal artistic process, we are torn between a nostalgia for the familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange. Foreign-ness and strange-ness seem fascinating."
"Sorry, oppa, I don't know where this conversation would lead to."
"You're too wrecked to understand," I say.
She blinked her eyes few times, trying to let my words sink in. She gives up.
"I feel like floating on an airless world, oxygen-less planet. Do you mind if I stay here longer, oppa?"
"Why would I mind, Ji Eun-ah"
"It's just, I haven't feel any so-called homesick feeling yet. Even after all these mess. People says that we will miss our home the most when things crumbled down. Yet, I am not feeling it."
"Contrary to what you've heard, as often as not, we are homesick most for the places we have never known."
"I think you're right. I'm to wrecked to understand our convo."
"So.... let's go somewhere else, Ji Eun-ah. Tell me where do you want to be, tell me a place you have never known that you desperately, homesick-ly kind of way, want to go to."
