"Reality is for people who lack Imagination." Me
"The weather forecast for tonight: dark." George Carlin
"I think they should a Barbie with a buzz cut." Ellen DeGeneres
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with tomorrow." Don Marquis
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound that they make as they fly by." Douglas Adams
"Alright everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height." Casey Stengal
"Why do they call it rush hour when no one moves?" Robin Williams
"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap." Mitch Headburg
"I have to lay off the dairy though. That's what my doctor through in. As I was leaving his office,"Oh, and uh, leave off the dairy!" What kind of blanket sweep is that? "And no more happieness. Away with you!"-Brian Regan (your gonna see a lot more of him!)
"THE BIG YELLOW ONE IS THE SUN!!" -Brian Regan
"I don't know. I'd be a lot better off if I would study more in school. The day where it all went wrong for me...was the day of the spelling bee. It was up until that day that i was an idiot, but nobody else knew, you know.
Then the spelling bee day popped up.
"Alright kids up against the wall. It time for public humiliation. Spell a word wrong, sit down in front of your friends. That would be great for little egos, 'Hey look at me! I'm a moron, I wasn't even close! I was using numbers and stuff!"
That's why I admire that kid who spelled it wrong just so he can sit down, you know. He knew he wasn't going to win so why stand up there for 3 hours? First round, 'Cat' k-a-t, I'm outta here. Then as he pasts you,"I know there's 2 t's." I remember my teacher asks me, Brian, what's the i before e rule?"
"I before e... ALWAYS." "What are you, an idiot, Brian" "Apparently."
"I before e except after c and when sounding like a as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!"
"That's a hard rule. That's a— that's a rough rule." Plurals were hard, too.
“Brian, how do you make a word a plural?” “You put a ‘s’…put a ‘s’ at the end of it.” “When?”
(sigh) “On weekends and holidays!!!” “No, Brian. Let me show you.” So she asked this kid who knew everything. Erwin “Erwin, what’s the plural for ox?”
“Oxen. The farmer used his oxen.” Brian?” (chuckling) “What?” “Brian, what’s the plural for box?” “Boxen. I bought 2 boxen of doughnuts.” "No, Brian, no. Let's try another one. Erwin, what's the plural for goose?" "Geese. I saw a flock... of geese." "Brian!" (Chuckling) "Wha-at?" "Brian, what's the plural for moose?" "MOOSEN!! I saw a flock of moosen! There were many of 'em. Many much moosen. Out in the woods—in the woodes—in the woodsen. The meese want the food. Food is to eatenesen!The meesen want the foodsen in the woodenesit. The foodsen in the whatinisit!" "Brian, Brian. You're an imbecile." "Imbecile-n!"
"What are you speaking? German, Brian?" "German. Jermain. Jermaine Jackson. Jackson Five. Tito!" "Brian, what the hell are you talking about!?" "I don't know, I don't know really.." Brian Regan
"Sometimes you'll say the right thing at the wrong time and feel stupid. Something like you too! I was getting off a cab at the airport and the driver goes, hey, have a nice flight! You too! You too, you have a nice flight, too. In case you ever fly someday. Don't anybody look at me I'm a moron. Don't know when to say the you too phrase. I can't handle it. I never learn. Like a waitress could bring me my food and say, hey, enjoy your meal. You too! You don't have one do ya'? I'm a DOOFUS! If you do, you enjoy it when you eat it. If you have a break or something, later. That's all I'm trying to say, that's all I'm driving at! Really, if you think about it, that's all! You ever decide to say something and then in the middle of it, you decide to say something else? My friends were leavin' the other day, and I decided to say, hey, take care, but then I decided to say good luck instead like halfway through. So it came out neither. See ya' later, Brian! Take... luck! Take luck and care. Take... care of the luck! Good luck taking care of the, the luck that you might have, if you have luck, take it, and care for it. Take luck care of it-it! When you take luck for it! YAAAYAYAAAA!!! YAYAYAYAAAA!!! You're sure to see them again.
