LUDUS

eleven

TRIGGER WARNINGS •
death and mental illness

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"this is going to be a really sad talk isn't it?"

hyojong looked up from where he was burning a hole in the ground, his reply to hwitaek was a simple shrug, a simple tear through his skin, a strike to the face that made his eyes teary. it wasn't cold; but he shivered, beautifully quiet and sound; as if he was precariously stood on the thorn of a flower. hwitaek felt his pain next to his own, the two conjoining into one and puncturing his heart.

"i don't believe it— not him, it can't be him. he's fucking—" hyojong's voice cracked as he found no air in his lungs. he gasped, tears blurring his vision and his heart aching.

the elder cooed sadly, grabbing hold of the man's shoulders and pulling him into his warmth. they both laid down, tears falling and chest trembling...

hwitaek had been drowned a lot of times when he was a teenager and his depression had taken away the feeling of his arms and legs— his emotions and attachments. he had been so empty, full of the thick cloud that tricked him into thinking he wasn't; that the waves of pavement weren't making him invisible. as the insides of his body had use to feel fake, water streaming into his body and creating an imagery he could only image, only feel. the water had been around him in his cold sweat, and the way his body floated from the numbness; as if he was ready to transcend from his bed and into space.

he used to be unstable.

but he wasn't sure about hyojong.

"he was pushed to the breaking point." hwitaek said. repeat it so you could feel it, repeat it so you could understand the impact it has on your soul.

"why couldn't they help him? why didn't they take it seriously for once? in the end they knew how it was going to turn out— how could it end otherwise?" hyojong almost sobbed, and he was so tiny, the emotions wrecked through his body and made him come alive in physical reactions. his quaking, twitching, closed fists, and crying.

the answer to hyojong's question was meant to be unspoken, at least in the moment. hwitaek couldn't even form a proper thought— he only wanted to mourn. but they both knew why, they both know what was needed to be done.

"he needed help. there's no one to blame but anyone who said he didn't— and that surely wasn't the other members. they were just so close, they knew and they helped as much as they could— they did—" hwitaek stopped to let out a sob muffled by his hand, a wretched cry for help, as hyojong squeezed his waist. either out of comfort or for his own release.

"i'm sorry that he didn't get what he needed. that he was in a place where he felt like that was the only solution; because it wasn't but nobody else gave him much options." hyojong sniffled, hwitaek ran a caring hand down his back. "i'm sorry he suffered for all that time."

hwitaek felt himself drowning again, but this time he had hyojong, and the water would be easily flushed out. it was there to help him mourn, to lose himself in the bottomless pit of grief.

"i'm sorry to jinki, keybum, minho, and taemin."

"i'm sorry to his family and friends."

"i'm sorry to anyone he has ever mentored or helped or taken care of because he definitely resonated with them."

"—oh god hui, it feels like my heart is going to break." hyojong pressed his face against the man's chest. and then finally let himself cry hard enough to forget everything else.

hwitaek pulled him impossibly closer, taking a deep breath of the water before doing so himself.

"i hope he's okay now."

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a/n i had another chapter planned but i simply couldnt ignore this with how much it affected me. ive been trying to write but my heads kind of under a huge rock rn sorry. my mental health was already unstable to begin with so bear with me.

rest in peace kim jonghyun, you worked hard. and i still, and always will, love you.