Knots

Rain Is Falling.

15. "Rain is Falling."

"A human being is a being who is constantly 'under construction,' but also, in a parallel fashion, always in a state of constant destruction."
-Jose Saram

3:00 P.M

KU PILLAI

Ku could smell it, the rain. The fresh smell tickling through her nostrils as she took her daily smoke break; a sharp gust of cold wind hurling the exhalation from her mouth towards the water and across the freeway. She took a moment, raised her head to the sky, and hesitated; just as the first few drops fell lazily against her skin and rolled down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, the memory she recalled still fresh in her mind.

"Miss Pillai, I see you've been released," she could clearly recall Chief Combs saying from his office desk. The man had seemed worried, stressed even, hair matted down in awkward places as he seemed to be ruffling through several piles of paperwork. She had debated with herself for a moment, whether or not now was the appropriate time; maybe he was too busy.

"Please Miss Pillai, come in and have a seat. It's obvious you have something on your mind." Just as quickly as the thoughts of doubt had entered her mind, they vanished, her body betraying her to take its rightful place in one of the Chief's fancy armchairs. There was silence for awhile, he stared at her, she stared back, and then he went back to ruffling through some of his paperwork. The process itself continued for a handful or more times before either of them was willing to say a word.

"I'd like to come back sir, immediately."

The Chief paused at her demand, index finger frantically tapping the desk as he mulled it over.

"Tell me something first Ku."

He had used her pet name, she was certain things were about to get personal.

"When you saw that patient dying, bleeding out before your very eyes with nothing you could do to stop it, how did that make you feel?"

She blinked.

Once.

Twice.

"Excuse me sir?"

"How did it make you feel Ku?"

"I'm so sick of that question."

Her body recoils, she wraps her arms around herself and fights the urge to take on a fetal position.

"How does this feel Ku? How does that feel Ku? Why can't you handle a little bit of blood Ku?"

"Miss Pillai-"

Then she's back, her fist slamming against the desk as she channels everything within her that's fought to get to where she was.

"I am not weak sir. I am at the top of my game, and I have fought like hell to keep it that way. I don't like being out of control, I want to be a surgeon so I need, no I demand attention. I sit here making no request to resume my position, but to inform you that resuming my position is what will keep me strong. I am not weak. I am strong. I am fierce. I- I- I-" She stutters, her hands shake uncontrollably before she lets out a violent sob.

The Chief stands, slowly walks over to the other side up the desk, slowly eases his hand along her back.

Ku's body jerks away, she doesn't need his sympathy, won't allow it; that chapter is done.

"I felt like I was losing, and I hate losing. This game that we're all playing, I'm aware of the odds, I realize that every patient can't be saved. However, with God as my witness, I will be weak, I will be insecure, I will sit in this seat and request to resume my position right now if that means I get to play the game!"