Self Destructive

Waking Up

My eyelids feel heavy, and every inch of my body aches from not moving. I slowly hear a beeping noise get louder. In that moment my already stiff body freezes.
I realize that I'm in the hospital and the sound is the heart monitor. It hits me so hard that I almost black out again when I hear muffled cries coming from the end of the room. Hushed, angry whispers come from the person and I immediately know who it is.
My mother....

And no, not my mom or mama, but just my mother. When I say this word I have no connotation or loving feelings. I mean what have I felt besides numb for years.

I try to make out the words she's say, but it just makes my head even more dizzy from the meds they probably gave me. The sterile smell of hospitals has always made me nauseous and from knowing that someone has died, and another born.

The thought of death makes me irritated because of the mocking, ironic situation that I created for myself.

Being too busy in my dark thoughts, I failed to notice my mother creep up on me. I only sense her presence, which I completely forgot about, when she reaches up to comb her long cold fingers through my light brown hair. I want to flinch away from her unexpected direct contact, but I stay still so she won't catch me awake. Plus the aching in my body wouldn't allow me to anyway. This moment makes me think about how cold her heart is.

This is the most affection that I've gotten since I was 9. I laugh mentally when I hear my mother say my name in such an infuriated voice that even my dad would be scared. I feel naive to believe that this woman has a compassionate bone in her body.

Well.....

Still has is a better way to phrase it. I remember a time when she wasn't like this, but the world changes you, just like it did to me.

I still say dad because it's hard to hate the person who died to protect you.

But come on Leo, I say to myself, your such a good person that you would waste his life for a selfish, no good, suicidal, depressed son who would rather jump off of a bridge than preserve his loving fathers precious legacy, well that's just great!

Guilt washed over my body as I realize how much of a fuck up I am. My demons hide make me numb enough to the point were I go unconscious again.