Self Destructive

Remembering

Memories start to flood back to me as I sleep. The happiest times of my short un-lived life come back to me, from walks in calm cloudless autumn skies, to being with my family, just joking and laughing.....

It hasn't been like that for a long time now.... I wish it was. But I learned a long time ago that wishing only gives you false hope.

Hope has wings, because whenever I need it, it flies away.

Thats what hope does, but people, they'll walk away, sometimes even run. They shut you out and act like you don't exist, make you feel like nothing.

This makes me think of my mother.

A woman who put all of her time into her job after she broke. Dad's death crushed her, to the point were she couldn't deal with her emotions. She built up her walks to block everyone out, and only let people see what she wanted....

I'm just like my mother, except, instead of trying to being dead like my dad, she turned to drugs.

Most people wouldn't suspect my politician of a mother to abuse painkillers and pop pills, but she does. And now, I've probably made her the talk of the town.

Lost in my drowsiness, I fell like a piece of shit. All I ever do is disappoint people and cause trouble. Everyone always treats me like some kind of fucking Golden Boy, and act like I'm always right.

They call me thins like“Leo the  Fierce" or “Leo the Lion" around town, when it should really be “The Fucking Coward."

I fucked up when I gave up without trying.....I'm ashamed of myself.

The times when I was happy,strong,and whole seem so far way.

How did I end up like this, thats something that every single person in the world should ask themselves....

Something I've been asking myself a lot quite lately. I know the world isn't perfect, but people like me just make it worse.

We make it worse by wasting a life that could have been worth living for someone else... just not me.

I think of all the people with their generic, cliche smiles that talk about how much they love life, value life, treasure life.

Why can't I be like them?

But what they have is fake, just like me. Except, that only for an ad or commercial that only lasted 30 seconds. But for me, this last 30 days for 12 months straight.

This is why I tried to end it. I couldn't- well, more like still can't deal with living like this.

They always say, boys are suppose to strong and tough, but the problem with being strong all the time is no one ever ask you if you're okay.

I didn't do this for the attention, but to stop my hurt, stop my pain, stop the guilt caused from hurting others.