After Time Passes

Chapter 1

     I don't remember how long it has been, it is been maybe 2, no 3 years. I've lost count of how many days have passed since I last cried. These past years I've felt so dead that my tears have frozen up inside of me. Like if someone had pressed pause and forgot to press the play button. And I do know who was the one that grabbed that remote from me was. It was death. When it decided to take my mother away from me.
I didn't cried when we buried her. I didn't cried when I fell off the tree I had climbed. I didn't cried when I got lost in the woods going after my new puppy. I didn't cry when none of my brothers and father wished me happy birthday. 'They were busy' or 'they forgot' I told myself.
For many individuals I may seem like the luckiest person in the world for being a Halliwell. Having a mansion for a home, having the latest brand of clothes basically, for being wealthy. You see the Halliwell family has always been well off. My father took over my grandfathers' business and managed to make it twice as successful as it already was. If it wasn't for my mothers' wise words my brothers and I would have been your typical stereotypical spoiled brats. Fortunately, we were the opposite of that. I didn't really care for the brand name clothes, the latest gadgets, and money. All I cared for was my family's happiness.
         For years I have heard whispers and comments of how the Halliwell's take advantage of their name and use it for their own gain. Even though it wasn't true. I remember coming home crying to my parents after hearing some cruel remarks about my family. 'Stick and stones' they would say. They would tell me that everyone was entitled to their own opinion and that not everyone will treat us kindly. I did also hear the pleasant remarks the 'Halliwell' family have done to help out the community. I then learned that I just had to learn and accept that not everyone was the same and thought differently. I just had to learn to communicate with several types of people.
However, lately I've been feeling out of place, out of touch with reality. I guess my family's tragic misfortunate 3 years ago has finally caught up to me. I sighed. It's been far too long of my façade, of my charade of being happy when in truth I'm really not. I guess I have never been over it. I have told myself I was over it over and over again until it stuck in mind. I think I told myself I was so people wouldn't pity me or hurt because of me. But what can one do when one feels miserable. They can't take their pain or suffering away. They can only wait and hope one day that wound becomes nothing, but a scar or a painful memory.
         It upsets me to see all those heads turn to me and see the way they would look at me. I felt like crying each time I saw sad eyes on me or each time someone would hold me and told me everything would be all right and that I had my father and brothers by my side. I didn't believe them. I had already notice the way they looked at me or acted when they were near me. But I didn't like to be disheartened in front of them or the others because they would only hurt more if they saw me that way. So if I didn't cry and smiled instead they would seem to believe that I was okay and be a little relieved that I seemed to be moving on.
Naturally, at that moment I didn't know what was happening. I had only just turned 12. I was still a child and wanted nothing more than to play around. Mess with my older brothers and run towards my loving parents for help each time they wanted to catch me. They would sit outside the porch and drink ice cold  drinks and watch us horse around in the backyard. Now I pray to get those days back. It's weird how everything can change within minutes or matter of seconds. No warning, no sign to let us know how our lives are about to change for the better or worse, and in this case it was for the worse. How was I supposed to handle the situation? I didn't know how too. I was too young, too naïve to understand how much of an impact it had and did have in my life.
         Now I find myself sitting outside in cold waiting for the numbness to take over. To make me feel emotionless. To make me not feel pain. I scoffed. Pain. Pain which has been with me since the day my whole life was turned upside down. I was rocking my body back and forth holding my knees against my chest and burying my face into them trying to recall all those memorable memories we had when we spend time together, but I couldn't. I can't think of one, not that we ever did, it's just that I won't. Because that would only mean that it is true. That it is real.
       I couldn't come before because I wasn't ready, but now - today - I turned 15. The day my mother died was the day everything was taken away from me.
I hear the wind howling in the middle of fall. Leaves crunching below peoples feet as they walk by to find the one they were looking for. To my far left I hear a couple of sobs from a small group of people and children reaching down to rest some flowers on the ground. Gently one by one each person and young kids put their flowers down and kneel down to say something. I try not to listen, but I did hear a few words. "We miss you so much," I heard a women say in between sobs. I stopped listening, it is a private reunion for the family or friends. I moved my bangs to the side that covered my face to get a better view of what is in front of me.
I came alone without them. Something I found myself not surprised by it. I hardly saw them at home or at school. I beg them to take me. I beg them to come with me, but neither of them decided to come. So I decided to come on my own. As it have been these past years.
      It wasn't hard to find my way here. Franklin and Rosemary were more than happy to take me and drop me off. They were our family's head caretakers. They have been with us as long as I can remember. They are more than just my caretakers they are my family. They are my Nana and Nonny. A nickname my brother's and I have been calling them since birth. They were like an extra set of grandparents'. They have been married for almost 30 years, and have been with me since the incident always taking care of me. Not that they did before, but they have been putting me first at every decision they have made. I couldn't be a burden to them as much as they disliked me saying that. But they had a family of their own to take care off. Their second grandchild was on his way and I know they want to spend more time with them. They were going to have to spend some time away from home until George and Rachel can handle it on their own. Franklin and Rosemary have been encouraging me to come here before, but I guess I wasn't ready until now.
'How long has it been since someone came out here?'I thought to myself. I removed some weeds from the ground and leafs that were covering the inscription.
      "I'm sorry," I said out loud. "I'm sorry it took all this years for me to come," I said as I clean around the grave.
      "I'm sorry I didn't do this earlier. You must have been lonely, huh? Don't worry your sons will come with me next time.
It took me all these years to finally come and admit it. I guess I'm stronger than I thought. You should see them now. They are really handsome...and super tall," I chuckled to myself.
     "You know ever since you passed away they have changed. It wasn't anything weird or bad. They have just become more distant towards me actually. Even dad," I said as I trace her name on the tomb.
      "Why do you think they are behaving towards me like that? I don't think I was that bad when I was younger. I know they blame me. They haven't said it to me out loud...yet. But I know they do. I don't blame them. I kind of blame myself too. It was my fault you died. Of course, I will forgive them in a heartbeat because they are my family...I love them more than anything in the world," I said as I snuggle in closer to the tomb on the ground. I closed my eyes and sighed.
     "Mom...mommy," I said very slowly.           "I've been so broken without you. All I have been doing is just mope around missing you like crazy, but that has to stop. I know you wouldn't like to see me like this, so I promise to finally let myself be happy. And try to move on."
"But why did you have to leave? Didn't you say we will always be together forever and ever? You promised you will be here for every awkward or remarkable moment of your family's lives. You never got to see Caden's first touchdown or see Blue get his license. Trust me, it wasn't pretty. Or to see the awkward stages of my adolescence life. I'm still hitting puberty. I'm lucky aunt Juliet lives close by with uncle Shawn. Boy! Was it uncomfortable when Uncle Shawn decided to explain the 'Birds and the Bees' to me. Thank goodness aunt Juliet was there to kick him out of the room before I buried myself of embarrassment," I chuckled at the memory.
"Please forgive me mommy...for hating you...for leaving. I hated you for not being there for my birthdays, for the holiday, for every single day that passed by that you weren't there. But I realized I was wrong and mistaken for thinking that way. I didn't know what was happening. I was so scared and confused when you were on the floor...when you were on the floor laying there. There was so much blood. I thought it was a nightmare......everything was a blur. I remember waking up at the hospital with a broken arm," I whispered slowly into the cold air.
"I still have a scar on my left shoulder from the incident. I doesn't hurt anymore. I wish I just remembered what exactly happened. My therapist said I have traumatic stress disorder from the incident and my mind blocked everything from that day. I only remember bits of pieces, but it doesn't make any sense to me. I guess I'm just too afraid of what I will remember." I felt my eyelids get heavier by the second. Finally, after seeing where she is buried, thinking how lonely she must of felt not having her children come visit her made me think how selfish I have been behaving. Everything was overwhelming, my emotions have just been a roller coaster ride since I got here. I think this is what I needed to finally start grieving like I should have done years ago. "I just...miss you so much mom." I croak. I felt something wet run down my cheeks, but I was too tired to wipe them away.  

[Author's Note]:
     Hello again! Well how was the first chapter?
      I'm still going to go through it again and make a couple changes. It is still under instruction. 😑 Sorry!! This chapter was more of a filler...hopefully it will get more interesting for you.
                                  ~ Peace ✌🏼 & Love ❤️