Her

Part 30

The second day without her had been even worse than the first. Seeing the substitute teacher sitting in her chair behind her desk, giving feedback on essays we had written based on her assignments. If I were to be fair, I might say that it wasn't really the poor man's fault… but I wasn't in a place where I could be fair. I was missing the most important person in my life, and I had no idea where she was or if she was alright.

The thirds day was much the same as the second -- only worse. My fears mounted with each passing moment, and if you've ever loved someone this achingly, you'll understand how many moments there are in each day… each hour… each minute… each second. It got so that I could hardly write, and when I forced to, all I could write about was a certain woman, and a love such as ours. I was unsure why I was so afraid this time; she's been absent for a couple of days in the past. This time, though… This time was different.

On the fourth day, just as I was preparing to read the entire phonebook to find out where she lived and then proceed to track her down, some lady from the administration office entered the classroom just after lunch. I raised my hand curiously when she asked for me by name, and she ever so slowly sauntered over to hand deliver a note. The admin lady said the letter had come with a sticky note saying it was from my sister, and that it was urgent. For several seconds I was immensely confused, as I didn't have a sister, but as soon as I looked at the handwriting on the envelope, I know from whom it came. Her. Quickly excusing myself from class, I headed outside, knowing I would need to be alone to read this. My heart hammering in my ribs, I sank to ground, my back leaning against the side of the building. With shaking fingers, I opened the letter and began to read.

My Dearest,

As I sit down to write this letter, I am finding the right words are eluding me, perhaps because for the first time, what I feel cannot be put into words. I have to write something, you deserve that much… and much, much more. If I see you, though, I know I'll never be able to say what I have to, because I'll only let you take me back into your arms again. Believe me when I say, there is nothing I want to do more, but before I can so much as kiss you, there's something I know I have to do.

Let me start by saying that in the two months we've spent together, I have felt more alive than I have in years. You've entranced me since the moment you first waltzed into my office with that dry wit, talent, and passion of yours. However well you try to hide it, however buried you think it is, there is a light in you, my love, that I have seen in no one else. It is that light, your unselfish love, that has given me the strength to do what what I now realize I must, no matter the cost. I will leave my-- I can't even bring myself to call him my fiancé, but you know of whom I speak. Before you, I never had he strength to leave him, I was too afraid. I just couldn't do it somehow, not for myself. Before you, I didn't even believe I was worth saving. I was convinced that that was all there was for me, that he was all I could ever have. Many things contributed to my hopelessness, which I hope to someday sit down and tell you about. There are a lot things I hope to do with you, darling. For the first time in years, I find myself making plans for the future -- all because of you. And so it is for the sake of our future that I hope you'll forgive me for what I now have to do.

I love you more than life itself, but I need some time to sort things out on my own. Directly after sending this letter to you, I plan to leave him. He should be home in an hour… I already had all of my belongings sent ahead to a hotel. I confess, a part of me (a rather large part) is more terrified than I could possibly express, but still, I merely have to think of your smile and I know I'll be able to do this. I truly believe this work out, somehow. I have to.

Please, don't come looking for me. I'll find you when all this is over, after I've spent some quality time with myself figuring things out. I'm sorry I can't be more precise. I promise I'll send word once I leave Daniel, to let you know I'm alright. I know how you worry about me -- it's once of the many, many things I love about you. I won't be returning to teach this summer. Keep writing, though, you have incredible potential -- and that's coming from me both as your friend and as your teacher. Don't stop because of me, love -- don't stop writing, don't stop living your life, and never, ever stop loving as passionately as is your nature, whether you choose to wait for me or not. Know that I'll never stop loving you, and I'll always be yours for the taking; I just need a little time. Mi almas es su almas.

                       Yours Always

I reread the letter several times, wiping my tears away before they could fall onto the letter. Pressing my lips together to keep from sobbing and pressing the letter against my heart, I closed my eyes. I am so proud of you.