"Im Okay"

Chapter 6

Ever have those days when you remember a memory that you never ever knew happened but comes to you and you know it was real ? Yeah, that was me today I'm in the car going to go see my cousin and her knew house that she just moved into she just started her first year of high school sounds like hell to me but were not getting into that while I'm sitting in the car with my headphones on listening to suicide silence and thinking about life you know like the meaning and the reason why were here,death, suicide those sort of things, like if I die I know no one really care might as well let it happen because well "mama we all go to hell" *my chemical romance~ mama* but yeah the memory I was really young and my brother and grandmother and my mom was driving while we were in the car well me and my brother kept fighting my mom stopped the car and I had no idea were we were it was dark and it was a strange neighborhood she put me and my brother out of the car and drove off I was crying and a lady who lived in the apartment complex we were at put her window up and said "hey are you guys okay need any help" and my brother comment back "no were fine thanks for asking" I remember that day all of the sudden and I remember the feeling it was the feeling of being abandoned like I was worthless so she just dropped me and him off and left I think that's what turned me so evil and turned my heart so dark I was so young and to be left just like I was important like "YOU MADE ME IM APART OF YOU" I just wondered what my brother was feeling he was holding me in his arms saying "don't cry it'll be okay I promise" it never was I just had that heart breaking feeling and not knowing what it was made it worst and now I just sit in the car and stare at the lady driving that I'm suppose to call mom but is she true moms would never leave there kids in a random neighborhood in the middle of the fucking night and leave us there to just preserve on our own and she wonders she wonders why I wish death do her part I'm your only daughter and you leave me to die your only son your first child you leave him to die I could bare to think if the thought that was going threw his head when that happened I know he definitely wasn't ready to raise a child he could barely raise himself and I think to my self that dumb ass song called what a wonderful world what world were you living in When you made that song honesty were you high on some shit because this world is a hell hound in light instead of darkness and "everything happens for a reason" "god does everything" well if everything happens for a reason and god is the control of everything why is he a total jack ass you killed people the Boston bombing Japan nuclear explosion earthquake in Haiti the Craigslist killer rapist murderers drug attics alcoholics cutters suicidels people who die in the army war WAR WHY WHY WAR "we go together or we don't go down at all" that's what a family does for each other they go together or they don't go down at all not leave YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN ON THE SIDE OF A STREET !!!!!!! You bastard you fucking bastard I hope those thoughts haunt the dreams of mothers and fathers who leave there children because there not ready for the responsibility "if you can't hang than there's the door" either be a father or don't make a child dumb ass easy as that and abortions really you think your doing yourself a favor by doing abortions so you don't have to have a child do you realize that you just murdered a human being your human being not someone else's but yours your blood running threw there veins and now there little heart that was just beating for you isn't beating for anyone anymore because it's gone but all I wanted to know was why you left us that day "So tell me how does it feel,how does it feel to be like you, I think your mouth should be quiet because it never tells the truth" and "mama were all full of lies" cause we are we are all full of lies practically everyone in the world has built themselves up on lies even I have lying about the real me so people won't leave me , lying to my family so they won't hurt me,lying about my family so people won't know what my family truly does behind closed doors "is this what you call a family" my parents are married but doesn't mean they love each other my dad is taking money out of our payment accounts. He tried to get a lone off the house he got himself in money trouble and I don't know what from I don't want to lose my house and my move I don't want to lose my friends and boyfriend because they are who I consider my family threw thick and thin there always there no matter what and that is what I call a family