b l a n k m i n d s . . .

PART23

I AM A CLOUD. 

I WATCH OVER THE TOWN IN RAIN AND SHINE FOR HOURS THAT TURN INTO DAYS AND THEN WEEKS. 

I WATCH HER, WATCH HER GO THROUGH MOST OF THE STAGES OF LOSS. 

I WATCH HER GO THROUGH DENIAL FIRST. I KNOW SHE CAN'T BELIEVE IT. 

I DIDN'T WANT TO SHARE MY PAIN WITH HER. SHE HAD ENOUGH PAIN. 

ALL I WANTED WAS TO MAKE HER HAPPY. AND NOW I'VE TAKEN MYSELF AWAY FROM HER. 

THE ONLY WAY I CAN FEEL CLOSE TO HER IS TO BE A CLOUD RIGHT BY HER. 

BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S ME. SHE'LL NEVER KNOW IT'S ME. 

I WATCH HER ANGER RAGE THROUGH HER FOR WEEKS. 

SHE GOES BETWEEN BEING MAD AT HERSELF, AT ME (RIGHTFULLY), AND AT ANYTHING SHE COMES ACROSS. 

HER ANGER TUNNELS THROUGH ANYTHING IN ITS PATH, LIKE MY CLOSE RELATIVE NOW, THE TORNADO. 

IT'S PAINFUL TO WATCH. 

THEN SHE TRIES TO BARGAIN. 

SHE BEGS THE EARTH TO BRING ME BACK 

SHE SAYS SHE'LL DO ANYTHING. 

SHE WONDERS IF SHE HAD DONE THINGS DIFFERENT, WOULD I NOT HAVE BEEN TAKEN AWAY FROM HER?

I DON'T KNOW EITHER. 

IT'S NOT HER FAULT THOUGH. IT'S ALL MINE. 

DEPRESSION. 

SHE WAS ALREADY DEPRESSED, AND NOW I'VE MADE IT SO MUCH WORSE

WATCHING HER GO THROUGH THIS IS THE WORST TORTURE. I HATE THIS. 

IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF ME. 

IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF ME. 

ACCEPTANCE. 

I'M NOT SURE IF SHE'S GOTTEN HERE YET. 

I DON'T KNOW IF SHE EVER FULLY WILL,,,

BUT I REALLY REALLY WANT HER TO. 

SHE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS KIND OF PAIN I'VE BROUGHT ON HER. 

IT'S NOT FAIR TO HER AT ALL

I DON'T DESERVE HER. 

I NEVER DID.