Trying not to get attached

prologue

prologue:

"It doesn't even seem like you know what you want anymore" she said through the phone

"I don't..." I said barely above a whisper in hopes she didn't hear

"Well if that's the fucking case, why the fuck are with me lee? HUH? ANSWER THAT FOR ME!" she screamed in the phone making it clear what I said upset her and right now arguing is the last thing I want to do

"Babe, please can we not argue right now....I'm going through a lot right and I just want to be left alone right now"

"I'M YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND, IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH ANYTHING I SHOULD BE THE ONE PERSON YOU WANT TO TALK TO!"

She had me speechless, she was right. She should be the one person I should want to talk to right now. Maybe I should tell her Anthony is gone and not talking to anyone is the way I'm dealing with it.

"you know what...." she said before letting me answer her "if you're going through so much maybe we need a break" No. we can't. The only person that showed they loved and that I mattered at all times is about to leave me like everyone else has.....then my anger took over me. How could she? After all the shit we've been through she wants to leave me? How fucking could she?

"Is that how you really feel Kj?" I said

"IT IS! I don't know how much longer I can deal with this shit Lee"

"WELL LEAVE THEN..." I yelled. "Leave like everyone else did, it's no biggy. Everyone leaves me. My dad did....my mom basically did after finding out we were together....and so did Anthony" at this point I was crying and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Anthony?" she asked.

"They...they shot him this last night....and....he...he didn't make it"

"Oh my gosh Lee, I'm on my way to come see you"

"No don't come now.." my anger clearly has token over and my crying had stopped "throughout this whole relationship I've done nothing but try and make shit work for YOU! I ruined my relationship with my mom for YOU! When your mom kept kicking you out who came to the rescue? ME. Okay?! ME" out of breath and crying again I stopped yelling

"Lee baby I'm sor.."

"You're what? Sorry?" I cut her off "you're always fucking sorry. I can't even grieve the loss of my fucking brother without you thinking I'm talking to somebody else. Just because you think its fine to flirt with other fucking people doesn't mean I do too okay!?" I felt relieved, it was the first time I said how I felt in a long time.

"Damn lee..." was all she said which brought me to tears all over again. Maybe she's given up on me like everyone else has.