A Black Girl's Journey

Hurt to The Core

NOT EDITED!

"Jada! Come on here girl, we gotta go."

I slid on my Sunday shoes and walked out. "Comin mama."

I walked the long path of the hallway, past all of the rooms, to the stairs and down to the living room. It always have me the child to walk past those doors. The memories of pain I had gone through always stroke fear into my heart.

I walked up to my mother and she squatted to fix the taffeta on my frilly, white dress and reclip my curls back. "Okay, baby, your daddy already left for church so we need to go."

I nodded. "Mama. Do I have to today? Can I not?"

She stood up straight and sorted her dress.  "We go through this every week Jada and what's the answer?"

I shook my head no and followed her out to the car. We got to the church, parked, and got out for my mother to greet people.  I saw my father at the opening of the church greeting people as well. When he saw me he smiled and waved us over.  People fawned over the affection my father showed me, but they dont know the truth.

He got to his podium and began opening prayer. "Please everyone stand and bow your heads." We did as asked. "Heavenly father we come to you today to praise you in all of your glory and grace. We pray that you heal those today who have been hurt. We ask that you bless us as only you can and shower us in your blood, father." The church rang with Hallelujahs and Amens. "God, I want-No I need you to hold us today and guide those that have lost or way. Give sight to those who are blind to their wrong.  Give strength to those who are weak against the devil's pull. Give wisdom to those who are ignorant to your blessing.  Give hearing to those who are deaf to your words.  Give voice to those who can't speak up in your name.  Sweet father, blessed be thy name. Peace with you and peace with us. We pay that you watch over our old and young to keep them from harm." My eyes began to water at that point, but I quickly weird then away. Hypocrite. "We pray that you bless us all. In your name we pray, Amen."

As the pastors daughter, I had the "privilege" of not having to go to the youth center with the other kids. I started in the main church with the adults to hear my father speak. I zoned out most of the sermon, staring blankly at the podium. I mumbled along to all of the songs, "Leak In This Old Building" and "Back to Eden". I stared as Sister Johnson caught the holy ghost. Twice. But I wasnt fazed, I was mentally preparing myself for what was to come when we got home. I clocked back in when I heard him speak on sexual incest and virginities. "Now we all know, Mary was a virgin. Why?  Because sexual content is not of the word. Atleast, not for children and those not married, it's not. Y'all know pastor cant talk." He chuckled. Did I mention, I was born out of wedlock. He finished up, we had offering and closing prayer and then my father excused us using a lie about a prior engagement.

We got home and I did my usual routine. I went and took a bath, washed my hair and lotioned my body. I wrapped a towel around my hair and body before walking into my room. My outfit was already chosen by whoever I was with today. I checked to see how many outfits there were to determine how many I had to see today. Three. I sighed and slid on my first outfit, white underwear with pink hearts on it ,a pink princess-like dress and pink and white bows for my hair, no shoes. They liked me barefoot.

My mother walked in a few minutes later to put my hair in 2 pigtails at each side if my hair. Then she guided me to one of the other rooms. When I stepped in she left me alone. I observed the room. I can tell a lot about the person by how they had the room set up. There were various polaroid cameras and the bed was high. The room was covered in dolls and princess stuff. I shook my head.  One of those. It was probably a guy who was obsessed with little girls and their style of living. Hopefully it was only pictures today.